LONDON, ENGLAND — While attending his 17th year class reunion from the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, Rep. Draco Malfoy (R-SC) was asked how things back in the United States are going, since he became a Muggle politician. Malfoy, who now just goes by the more proper, Muggle-sounding name of Trey Gowdy, was tapped by Speaker of the House John Boehner to head-up the Republicans’ latest Congressional inquiry into the events surrounding the Benghazi, Libya attacks on September 12th, 2012. Despite over $14 million spent on the various probes, no conspiracy theory has been born out, and no smoking gun leading to Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama ordering a stand-down has been found, but that doesn’t hasn’t stopped Congressional Republicans from fundraising and/or getting to the bottom of the attacks again, and again, and once more just to be sure.
“Well, to be honest,” said Gowdy as he sipped his pumpkin juice, “it could be going better.” Gowdy is best known for his prosecutorial way of handling himself. When Darrell Issa ran the House Oversight committee and Benghazi was the subject of hearings, Gowdy was often seeing haranguing Obama Administration officials. Though he stopped short of using one of the Forbidden Curses, he famously proposed that he be allowed to give then-Secretary of State Hillary Clinton veritaserum, known to all wizards as the most potent way to extract the truth from someone you are interrogating, but was shot down when the recipe couldn’t be secured from Professor Severus Snape’s old potions inventory.
Gowdy was of course referring to the mounting tensions within his select committee. When Boehner had tapped Gowdy, he made assurance to Democrats and to the rest of the country that the South Carolinian’s committee would be run with decorum and respect for all sides in an open and fully-transparent manner. Apparently Gowdy may have missed that meeting, because the ranking Democrat on the committee, Elijah Cummings accused Gowdy and Republicans of conducting closed-door interrogations of witnesses without any Democrats present and that Gowdy is dragging his feet in calling Clinton to testify again, as she did in 2013.
Gowdy responded to allegations of dragging his feet with Clinton by saying that despite the fact that Democrats have said Clinton is willing to testify again that he doesn’t “have all of the relevant documents and emails” he’d need for his Republican colleagues to question Clinton, but while munching on a magical feast in the Great Hall, he also said there was another reason for his frustration with Clinton.
“Well, and to be totally honest,” said Gowdy as he gobbled up pastries that would reappear on his plate as soon as he finished them, “I was a little upset that when I clicked my heels together three times and repeated ‘Benghazi, Benghazi, Benghazi!’ that former-Madame Secretary didn’t apparate right in front of me. I was under the impression that my gavel is a reverse portkey that can call Muggles to me if all I do is click my heels and repeat ‘Benghazi’ over and over again.”
“It’s bad enough Ms. Clinton doesn’t seem to love freedom, or America, enough to personally hop on a jet plane and fly into Benghazi on the day of September 11th, 2012 to personally strap-on an automatic rifle and attempt to save Ambassador Stevens and the other Americans who lost their lives that day,” said Gowdy as he took in a Quidditch match later that day, “but to completely flout not only the Constitution but my magical abilities? That’s just the kind of stupid thing that ginger loser Weasley would do, or even that old, out of touch fool Dumbledore.”
When asked how he feels about Clinton running for president in 2016 he said, “I personally think Benghazi should not only disqualify her from the presidency, but that the country should have learned a lesson about electing mudbloods. And Ms. Clinton is certainly a filthy little mudblood herself.”
Attempts to contact Ron and Hermione Weasley and Harry Potter were not immediately returned.
