The Second Amendment Clearly Doesn’t Apply to People Whose Genitals I Haven’t Seen

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The following editorial was written by right-wing commentator and podcaster Dustin Pewpsin. The views and opinions expressed herein are those of Mr. Pewpsin, and not necessarily those of this outlet or staff.

Every American patriot knows that there is one thing that is most sacred about life in the United States. No, not freedom. The Second Amendment.

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I guess in some way you could argue that freedom gives us the right to have a Second Amendment in the first place. But I would argue, as would most truly sane and logically gifted pro-MAGA Republican, that without the Second Amendment, freedom is worthless. Completely and utterly worthless.

The Second Amendment is so valuable to us as Americans that we have, generally speaking, accepted that death by gunfire will just be a natural consequence of living in such a freedom loving society that would give us a constitutionally-protected right to own a gun. In fact, our Second Amendment right is so sacred, it supersedes any care we might have about school shootings. It forces us to accept the corpses of elementary school children as collateral to keep our freedoms so darned free.

Well, at least that’s how I felt when all the school shooters were white males. It shouldn’t be hard to figure out why, either. The Second Amendment was written by white males for white males, so of course they’d be the ones misusing their Second Amendment rights and murdering people.

But let me take this opportunity that the guns they used to kill their victims didn’t actually kill them. We’ll never know if the Sandy Hook Shooter would have still killed more than 20 first graders if he hadn’t had a semiautomatic rifle. Sure, it would seem like an obvious answer, but let’s not go assuming things that basic logic would dictate.

The shooting at Covenant Christian School in Tennessee was carried out by a transgender person, and that has me reevaluating my whole stance on the “shall not be fringed” thing. Clearly, to me anyway, we’re seeing that there have to be some restrictions on who can buy a gun.

Obviously, now, I can see how the Second Amendment doesn’t apply to people whose genitals I haven’t personally seen and inspected. It was bad enough taking a dump in a public bathroom without knowing if the person next to you was born with the same tingly bits as you were. Now that we have to worry about if the people we’ve bullied and tried to force under our strict religious dogma will snap and seek vengeance against us, we have to really think about whether some gun control would actually work.

Why didn’t anyone tell me there could be such dire consequences for letting anybody who wants a high-powered rifle to have one? At least why didn’t anyone tell me one of the consequences is that we could get terrorized by those same guns if they’re being held on us by people whose lifestyles we find icky?

I’m not sure what the solution to this problem is, but obviously when Donald Trump takes office again, he’ll be able to fix it. Even if he’s serving time in prison. Because that’s how much he cares about us.

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