TIME Promises Trump They’ll Name Him “Obnoxious, Petty, Self-Aggrandizing Cunt of the Year” in 2020

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This morning, the world’s most most powerful petty and jealous man in the free world used the enormous weight of his office, the highest office in the country, to attack a 16 year old climate activist on Twitter. The 16 year old’s offense? Winning TIME Magazine’s “Person of the Year” award for 2019.

During a flurry of morning tweets, President Donald J. Trump mocked Greta Thunberg, calling her winning of the award “so ridiculous.” Trump said that Thunberg “must work on her Anger Management problem” and she should “go to an old fashioned movie with a friend.” Curiously, the president’s wife, who last week lambasted a constitutional scholar simple for using the name of her meal ticket Barron when discussing President Trump’s imperious behavior, stating that “minor children” should never be used to score political points, has yet to release any statement chastising her husband for bullying Thunberg, who is herself a minor child.

Mr. Trump, a man who has so desired to be named TIME’s person of the year that he printed out a copy of a fake cover giving him the award and had it hung in various hotels and office buildings he owned, received an email from TIME’s editorial board shortly after he tweeted his attack on Ms. Thunberg. Reportedly, TIME’s email makes an attempt to salve Trump’s ego and to quell some of the controversy the president is attempting to gin up about Ms. Thunberg winning the award.

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A copy TIME’s email was supplied to various media outlets. Below is a transcript of the email, reprinted without changes for our readers.

Dear Mr. “President,” 

First of all, we’d like to apologize for hurting your feelings. Sometimes we forget that you have such big feelings. You’ll have to forgive us for that, because we just keep assuming you have to have a brain in your head that controls your feelings, and you rarely, if ever, give us public evidence that you have such a brain. But at any rate, we all saw your tweet this morning. We note that if Ms. Thunberg had been a contestant in one of your pageants dressing for the competition, you’d simply barge in on her like a creep. However, instead, Ms. Thunberg is someone who is more popular than you are, and that hurts your feelings, and we want to simply apologize for that.

We also want to take this opportunity to offer you an olive branch, or perhaps some Pepto-Bismol for your burning pride, which we can only presume is the reason you’re spewing such hot, verbal diarrhea all over a teenage girl. 

Mr. Trump, we would like to offer you a new award, one we will create just for you. We know you like feeling special, thanks to your racist parents never once holding you accountable for many of your failures. This new award we feel will be so perfectly tailored to you that no one else will ever win it, let alone want to win it. We would award you this new title next year. We’ve already begun working on the issue, and will provide the White House with drafts and proofs beginning at some point in the first quarter of the year.

It pleases us to announce that you will be the very first, and likely only ever, recipient of TIME’s Obnoxious, Petty, Self-Aggrandizing Cunt of the Year award for 2020! Normally, we try to keep our Person of the Year under tight wraps until the issue’s official publication. However, as Sergey Lavrov can surely attest, you are literally not capable of keeping any secrets, unless they involve hush money payments, so feel free to let everyone in the world know that you’re the Obnoxious, Petty, Self-Aggrandizing Cunt of the Year. 

Then again, most people already know that about you; your reputation most certainly precedes you.

We hope that we haven’t upset you too much. We hope we haven’t hurt your fee-fees so badly that you’ll issue an executive order for our immediate execution. And we hope that this new award, which again we feel is absolutely perfect for you, and we look forward to your tweets proclaiming yourself a “bigly big winner” of it.

Warmest Regards,

TIME Magazine’s Editorial Board

The White House has not responded to TIME’s letter at the time of publication.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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