Texas Woman Files for Joint Custody Over Boyfriend’s Sperm

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BAWSAK, TEXAS — When Gov. Greg Abbot (Q-Gilead) signed SB8 into law, many wondered just what kind of Pandora’s box he opened by making it one of the earliest and strictest bans on abortion in the nation. SB8 made it illegal for a woman to seek an abortion outside of the six-week mark of pregnancy, well before viability and even before many women even know they are pregnant. The law doesn’t contain any exceptions for rape or incest, though Abbot has said it doesn’t need them because he will simply oversee the end of rape in the state.

Regardless of how he would accomplish that — and still hold Trump rallies — Abbot could not have known when he signed SB8 onto the books that 28 year old Griselda Simon would cite the law in a rather noteworthy and unprecedented custody battle.

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Last week, Simon filed paperwork seeking joint custody with her boyfriend. It’s interesting enough that Ms. Simon is seeking joint custody while still in an active relationship with 32-year old Scott Taype, but it’s who she’s seeking to get control over that has her entire state taking notice. Her attorney, Kimberly Lawler, explained the situation to us via Skype.

“My client is very much in love with Mr. Taype, and definitely foresees a day in which she’s carrying his child,” Ms. Lawler said today, “but she’s not ready for that step yet, and given that they live in Texas, she’s concerned that despite their best efforts, she could get pregnant, and be forced to carry the pregnancy to full term.”

So Griselda decided she needed to have some sort of control over Scott’s sperm, in order to “exercise as much reproductive agency as possible.” Simon, her attorney told us, believes that “if the point of erection when life begins in Texas,” she has a legal right to the testicular seed matter that is one half of human procreation at this point in time. If Texas conservatives believe even pre-born life is more important than the woman carrying it, Griselda says they should be willing to let Texas woman have more custodial control over the “place from whence their babies will come, and their partners make cum.”

“It only stands to reason, if you think about it,” Lawler said. “Couples share custody of the results of birthing all the time. Why shouldn’t they share custody of the biological material responsible for starting the process that results in birthing, later on? Especially in a state where you can’t get an abortion anymore, this only seems fair.”

Griselda is apparently open to compromise, as well.

“If they won’t grant her joint custody over Scott’s baby goo,” Lawler told us, “my client will settle for having a controlling interest in one of his testicles. The good one though, not the one that’s kind of lopsided and looks like Stephen Miller after he gets hit in the head with a baseball bat repeatedly.”

The first hearing in the custody trial is set for next Wednesday, in Ft. Jism County.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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