We Live In Texas. When Does My Wife Have to Register Her Pussy By?

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Often times, we get letters. Well, okay, we really almost never get letters. But last week, we got a letter! It was from a reader, and he had a particularly important question to ask, given the big headlines coming out of Texas, where he happens to live. We decided that, in the interest of public information and education, to research an answer to his question. What follows is the original letter he wrote to us, and our response.

Dear Satirical Facts,

My wife and I have lived in Texas for over a decade. We already have three kids, ranging in age from 12 to 19, and we don’t plan on having any more. We had always said that, if for some reason my wife were to become pregnant again, we’d probably make the difficult decision to terminate it, but ultimately we decided that I should just get a vasectomy to be on the safe side.

However, thanks to the pandemic, I haven’t been able to schedule my surgery. Now, we found ourselves in hell of a bind. If she and I do conceive, she’ll be forced by law to carry it to term, unless she finds out she’s pregnant before the six week mark, which is before most women even know they’re pregnant to begin with.

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We will have to cross that road and bridge if we ever come to it, however, being law abiding citizens, we want to make sure we are doing everything the legal way. We’re sure that in order to help them properly track uterine activity, that the state probably set up a pussy registry. However, we can’t find where it is, and more importantly, we don’t know what the deadline for registration is.

Can you, or any of your readers out there, help us? We really need to know, so we don’t get in trouble.


Hopeful for Answers

Dear Hopeful,

We aren’t sure ourselves, and nobody we talked to knew either. Our best and quickest suggestion would be for you to move. If you want a state that treats your wife like an adult, capable of making her own decisions, there are plenty to choose from. If you really love right-wing religious nuttery and fascism, though, give Afghanistan a try!

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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