Ted Cruz: U.S. Calls ‘Dibs’ on Mars’ Water Supply, Will Charge Rest of Galaxy For Access

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — The unmanned Curiosity rover that NASA sent to Mars recently helped scientists make the discovery that trace amounts of water vapor in Earth’s neighbor’s atmosphere condenses into liquid water beneath the planet’s surface at night. This is by far one of the biggest scientific discoveries of the last thirty years or more, and the United States Senator with the most control over the space program told reporters outside his office recently that he intends to “harvest the trace amounts of water our great, American patriotic Mars rover found” in order to “prove to the world America still abides by the deepest of commitments to ‘finders keepers, losers weepers.'”

Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) as chairman of the senate’s subcommittee on space exploration told reporters that “the days of liberals running NASA and sharing their discoveries with the rest of the world” are over and that “the Good Lord wouldn’t have given us space exploration technology on the fourth day he created this universe just barely 6,000 years ago unless he wanted us to be extremely self-serving and selfish with it.”

Reporters in attendance at the ad-hoc press conference asked Cruz how he intends to get the liquid water back from Mars. “The lord provided us with this water, and through His grace, we’ll figure out a way to do something we don’t have the technology for yet,” responded Cruz. One member of the media asked Cruz why he thinks anything we discover in space is automatically the property of the United States. “Why don’t you ask that question of the Native Americans who were here when we started expanding westward? It’s called Manifest Destiny, and just like blood letting and exorcisms, I believe in it to this day,” was Cruz’s response.

Reached for an opinion on Senator Cruz’s plans for any water found beneath the surface of Mars, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell said, “My esteemed colleague from Texas understands that in order for our country to survive, it must vacuum up anything and everything it finds, regardless of the feasibility of the task, or whether or not it even makes any good damn sense at all. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to make out with a giant lump of coal for 30 minutes before I masturbate to images of people being turned away from the polls because they don’t have their voter identification cards,” the Kentucky Republican told the press.

“As always I just want to know one thing,” Rep. Trey Gowdy (R-SC) told reporters when asked about Senator Cruz’s plans, “did Hillary cover up knowledge of water on Mars as part of the larger Benghazi conspiracy?” Gowdy said that while he doesn’t have “any credible evidence that the water on Mars is any way related to Benghazi” he also “know[s] that Hillary is capable of great duplicitousness and evil and clearly she is guilty of something and [he] will not rest until we uncover it, or until November 9th, 2016 when I don’t need to keep dragging her name through the mud for my party.”

NASA scientist Dr. Helen Glenn classified Cruz’s idea as “the kind of thoughts you have when you have no scientific expertise at all” and that scientists have just now discovered the likelihood of water under Mars’ surface at night, and that any harvesting of the water wouldn’t happen until Cruz is probably dead. “Really,” Glenn told us, “it’s a very cute and fun idea. But the fact remains that we are decades away from doing anything about it. Especially because Republicans like Cruz don’t really seem to actually care about NASA and space exploration until they’re the ones holding the purse strings. Maybe if he and his party members stopped treating our budget like an inconvenience and more like an investment in the future, we’d have already brought the water on Mars back home.”

“The bottom line is a simple one,” Cruz told reporters as he was wrapping up the press conference, “as long as I am the one pushing NASA’s buttons from the Senate, I will use my authority to do what Americans want most out of their space program — profiteering. And, God willing, one day — war mongering.”

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