Ted Cruz: “If I Wasn’t a Smarmy, Partisan Cunt Maybe I’d Care About Trump Being a Lawless Asshole Tyrant”

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a wild and unforeseen development, Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Trump’s Urethra) called himself a profanity in reference to his seeming indifference to President Trump’s rampant and wanton disregard for accepted norms and laws. Cruz’s comments came during a break in the impeachment trial of President Donald John Trump in the Senate. Cruz was asked why he doesn’t care that Trump is “acting like a lawless tyrant” and his legal team have been arguing that he should be allowed to do what he wants with impunity. Cruz took a deep breath and looked right into the cameras as we spoke with the tone of a televangelist.

“First of all, I dispute the validity of that question because it hurts my feelings and exposes my circular, logic-free thinking,” Cruz began, “but more importantly, let me just say this — of course the president is acting like a lawless asshole tyrant. He’s behaving and has behaved in ways that we only wish Obama had because then we could’ve sent his…URBAN…butt packing. But let me just acknowledge this — you’re right. Your question is right on. I don’t care that he’s behaving that way.”

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Picking his nose and eating it, Cruz continued.

“I don’t care because of one singular, simple reason — Donald Trump says he’s a Republican,” Cruz explained, “and I claim to be one, too. It’s just that simple. I am, in the parlance of our times, a partisan cunt. But you know what I’m struck by as well, though? I’m not given enough credit for being smarmy. But I defy you, and those of you watching at home to name a more obsequious, servile partisan hack than I am. And I dare you to find someone in Congress more willing to smarm it up like I do. I will look you dead in the eye, fart, and then tell you you’re not smelling a thing as I then shit in your hand and tell you it’s ice cream. If that’s not smarmy, I don’t know what is.”

Cruz paused for a moment and gave himself a round of applause. Wanting to extend his self-congratulatory moment, Cruz then high-fived himself. For a brief moment, it appeared that the Texas Republican would attempt to fellate himself, but stopped when he realized his pants were still on.

“If I wasn’t a smarmy, partisan cunt maybe I’d care about Trump being a lawless asshole tyrant,” Sen. Cruz admitted, “but I am one, and therefore, I don’t. I just don’t care. As long as he’s a Republican, and I’m a Republican, then I will continue to do what modern day Republicans since the days of St. Ronald Ignatius Reagan have done — I will put my party before my country. Thank you, and please, write about how smart and trenchant my words have been.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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