This story first appeared on The Political Garbage Chute.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) wants NASA to “find some places where we can turn this country’s dangerous obsession with ‘science’ and ‘space'” into something the whole country can benefit from.
This week, Cruz announced that he plans to propose the “Turn All Our Old Space Shuttles Into Intergalactic Chick-Fil-A Restaurants Act” some time next year, provided he win re-election in this fall’s midterms. Cruz’s law would, should it get a companion in the Republican-controlled House of Representatives, put a bill on Temporary President Donald Trump’s desk that would re-purpose all the old space shuttles into profit centers — namely Chick-Fil-A restaurants.
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Chick-Fil-A is the official fast food restaurant of the Republican Party because of its bold stance in favor of an American Theocracy. Now, Senator Cruz believes he can leverage the support of Republican voters in a way that will, in his words, “strike a simultaneous blow for Jesus and against this abomination of science and space.”
The location for each interplanetary Chick-Fil-A will be decided by Cruz himself, who is said to be leaning toward putting all three in his hometown of Houston, TX. Cruz says, though, that he is also considering having massive, petroleum powered engines placed in all the shuttles so that they may fly “delicious, Heavenly Father approved fried foods to the masses.”
Sen. Cruz believes the city of Houston makes the most logical sense to house the Shuttle-Fil-A’s.
“It just makes sense,” said Cruz at a press conference late Monday afternoon, “to give the wonderful city of Houston three more Chick-Fil-A restaurants to choose from. After all, the city of Houston has a rich tradition of being linked to NASA’s various missions. I would like to use that link to promote good, clean, deep-fried American values.”
Cruz knows that some may balk at his proposal but says that, “those who would oppose this plan have no idea how profitable for everyone it will be, and if there’s anything that’s more important than the continued exploration of the universe around us, it’s money.”
Senator Cruz also says that his planjibes perfectly with one of the most often cited biblical verses, Theologians 22:69, which he quoted from heavily.
“There is nothing finer in all the Heavens than a shining, gold coin,” Cruz read aloud, “Pursue them all with lustful zeal, and yea your Lord Thy God will make you invincible to all your foes. Because money is the most important made-up thing about human life ever, so sayeth the lord.”
Senator Cruz says his proposal serves two more very important needs in America — places to get food covered in batter and fried in fat, and a cheapening of the contributions of NASA and science in general.
“I maintain that this NASA program, started by the vile liberal John F. Kennedy,” Cruz said, “and continued by every cowardly president since, has run its course. Americans don’t care about exploring space anymore. They care about slicing up the social safety net so that poor people can die on the streets as Jesus would have wanted it. And they damn sure are ready to have chicken sandwiches and curly fries in the name of good, clean, hetero-normative American Christian fun.”
Asked of her opinion on Cruz’s proposal, former Congresswoman Michele Bachmann said, “We’ve always been the party that acts like it lives life on another planet. So I say, why not?”
The White House has indicated it might consider backing Cruz’s proposal, but only if “Lyin’ Ted kisses the presidential ring.”
“And by Presidential Ring,” Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said, “we of course mean the president’s cinnamon hole. Which is of course, his butthole.”
This is a developing story.
James‘ satire is also found on:
Alternative Facts
Alternative Science,
The Political Garbage Chute
The Pastiche Post
Satirical Facts
