STONE FIELD, NEW HAMPSHIRE — The 2016 Republican primary is heating up, and Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX), the man who enjoys perhaps the most bipartisan disdain, is actually starting to make headway with high-dollar donors, and he’s zeroed his sights on none other than the current GOP front runner, billionaire reality TV star Donald J. Trump, figuratively anyway. At a stump speech in New Hampshire late this week, the Canadian born, Texan senator issued a direct challenge to Trump, calling on him to get in a boxing ring with Cruz for what the Cuban-Canadian-American dubbed a “shirtless, sweaty, no holds barred battle of the assholes.”
“You know, Donald Trump wants to be the biggest asshole on the block,” Cruz told people in attendance at his rally in Stone Field, New Hampshire, “but he must be forgetting that I’ve been laying the dickish groundwork in Washington since 2010.” Cruz then told the audience that they should know he’s the “most assholey one out there” because even people in his own party despise him. “Of course those godless, amoral, gun hating, vegetarian, Sharia loving Democrats in Washington hate me, but they hate every truly intelligent and brilliant American who joins the Republican Party, so that’s no surprise,” Cruz said before saying with an ear to ear grin, “But John McCain is in my own party and you can tell every time he thinks about me he wants to punch me in my dick.”
At his own press conference elsewhere in the Granite State, Trump laughed off Cruz’s attacks, telling reporters that “Cruz is definitely very good at being a churlish, peevish, sweaty prick” but that “no one can out-prick or out-asshole Donald Trump.” “Teddy’s going to be a really fine asshole one day,” Trump said while cleaning his teeth with the corner of a folder hundred dollar bill, “but in this election Republican voters are going to have to ask themselves whether they want someone who they’ve just met that’s an asshole, or if they want someone like me, who they’ve seen be an asshole in the public eye for decades.”
“I will not be accepting Cruz’s challenge for a boxing match, no,” Trump told reporters, “but I admire his pluck. The kid really is great at stoking the agitation of super-conservative people who really think there’s some large liberal conspiracy to rob them of what they think — but probably never really was — what this country is about.” However, Trump said, “They’re probably going to want to keep a demagogue like him in congress for a long time coming, because he’s really great at those sermon-like speeches where he uses a whole lot of words to basically call everyone around him that doesn’t agree with him a poopy face.”
One reporter asked Cruz if he’d be willing to stay in the election, but become Trump’s Vice-Presidential pick. Cruz laughed. “Sure, I’d take that post,” he said, “because I will take any position that lets me wield my asshole-y views like a weapon, slicing through the decades of progress we’ve made in actually turning this country into a more perfect union, against the wishes of my scared and frankly ill-informed electorate.”
“We’ll see,” Trump said about the same proposition, “but I’ve actually got a yooge staff of the brightest minds working on whether I can just name myself as my own Vice President. It’s not clear at this time, but winners win, so you can this to the bank: I’ll be President-Vice-President Trump by this time next year. Bing-bam-boom.”
