RAMBLING MAW, IOWA — Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) has agreed to be part of a politically-based scientific experiment that will combine him and his DNA with the DNA of 200 other officially declared Republican candidates for the 2016 presidential nomination. Cruz says he was approached by Reince Priebus, chairman of the Republican National Committee late last week with an idea he and the cadre of scientists the RNC employs had cooked up to address the absolute glut of candidates the party has seen declare already thus far.
“Normally these are the guys the RNC keeps on retainer to wag their finger, hem, and haw about climate change. They’re literally the three percent of scientists that keep denying climate change is real,” Cruz told reporters at a campaign stop in Rambling Maw, Iowa this week. “But this time, they put their heads together and came up with what I think is a really killer, knock-out idea. We’re going to combine me with two hundred or so other official Republican candidates, and we are going to become one monolithic mega-candidate,” Cruz excitedly told the press.
By combining Cruz with two hundred other candidates that are placing barely above the “they have a pulse and I would vote for them if the world was ending tomorrow” level in most polls, Priebus says he can make the field “much more manageable.” He admits that this still leaves the GOP with roughly “sixteen hundred officially declared” candidates, but that he sees this still as a “great problem to have” because “Republican voters demand more choices in their derp and we aim to give them as much derp as they can handle.”
Priebus told reporters at a press conference that announced the candidate mashup plan that Republicans are “always trying to find the right combination of character traits in one person” but that this new plan would “make it so that they can choose between the right character traits among dozens and dozens of candidates.”
“Why choose between the religious zealot, the religious simpleton and the religious racist when you can have all three in one handy package,” Priebus asked rhetorically. “Why choose between the smarmy, finger-wagging condescension of Ted Cruz and the dopey, lazy, intellectually bereft pabulum of Rick Perry when you can have Ted Perry or Rick Cruz, and so much more,” Priebus asked the reporters in attendance. “With our plan, you’ll get all the craziness of Donald Trump and all the white supremacist hiring craziness of Rand Paul all rolled-up into one. We couldn’t be more excited about this if we tried.”
Fellow 2016 hopeful Mike Huckabee said he is “optimistic” about the development. “Let’s face it, just because there are a ton of Republican candidates vying for the nomination, that doesn’t mean you’re getting a bunch of different opinions and ideas anyway. The fact is that if you have 200 Republican candidates, you’re going to get 200 variations of the Ronald Reagan flavor of policy ideas. Unless of course you’re talking to Rick Santorum. Then you get a much different taste in your mouth.”
Santorum does in fact seem skeptical of the plan. “Look, I want the Republicans to win more than anything. Between gay marriage and Obamacare, clearly it’s only going to be a matter of seconds before Satan himself rides up from Hell on the fingers of the flames of the Lake of Fire to smite us all unless we elect a Republican,” Santorum said at a campaign rally in New Hampshire this week. “But I want to maintain my own, unique voice of regressive policies and unrealistic ideals of what the country used to be like. I want to be my own brand of religious zealot, wholly independent from Huckabee and Carson. So I’ll go along with this plan if they ask me really nicely, but I won’t be stoked on it, to say the least.”
Priebus says that “despite some initial concerns” that most of the “bottom two or three hundred candidates are really into this idea” because “at the end of the day, they hate government so much they cannot wait to control it; any piece of it they can.” Mr. Priebus said that according to the details of the plan, each candidate would own an equal portion of the presidency and decision making skills. So if 300 candidates are merged, each will own 1/300th of the presidency. “It’s the fairest way we could think of,” Priebus said while adding, “and besides, we’re Republicans. We all know the marching orders will come from somewhere else. Maybe the VP office like last time. We’re not sure. All we know is given the choice between a socialist, a Clinton, a Bush and Republi-Mega-Date 3000, the American people will do the right thing and vote for the weird sci-fi inspired biological experiment, because socialism is gross and the Clintons are secret communist murderes, duh-doyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.”
