While In Target Bathroom, Republican Nervously Wonders If Man Next To Him Was Born With A Penis

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HOBART, KENTUCKY — Ralph Pearl is a 47-year-old plumber in Kentucky. He’s a registered Republican and has been shopping at Target for many years. He says though that recent changes in the retail giant’s policies toward transgender bathroom use left him considering shopping at Wal*Mart exclusively from now on.

Target made headlines this week when it waded into the controversial subject by saying they would have an inclusive policy in their stores, allowing for customers to use the bathroom designated for the gender they identify with. This policy shift has sparked anger and outrage from conservatives. Pearl said he wasn’t sure how to feel about the policy change until he came face to face — or rather butt to butt — with it early one morning this week.

“I’m sitting there, minding my owns, dropping a killer deuce on my lunch break,” Pearl told us, “because I always drive to the Target to poop on my lunch break. It’s just cleaner in there than other places. Anyway, I’m sitting there, and then another person comes in and takes the stall to my right.”

Pearl said there were other empty stalls, but he didn’t think much of it when the person sat down, dropped their trousers to their ankles and began to defecate. Ralph says at first he just kept right on defecating himself, at one point pulling his iPhone out of his pants pocket. He opened up his favorite news outlet, and then saw the big, bold headline: TARGET WILL ALLOW TRANSGENDER PEOPLE TO GO POTTY WHERE THEY ARE COMFORTABLE.

“My heart sank,” Pearl said, “because I just realized that the person I had assumed was a man pooping next to me could be a man who was born a woman but identifies as a man and so they underwent enormous emotional and physical transformations to make themselves the version of themselves they wanted to be. What a nightmare. For me. To have to think about someone else’s plight, huh? And while I’m dropping a hot, fat, stinky one?”

For many tense moments, Pearl says he pooped “as fast as any man could poop.” He wasn’t sure who was pooping next to him, and he wasn’t sure he would know what to do if he found out. Many thoughts went through his head, but he said no matter what he did, he couldn’t stop thinking about the crotch region of the person “releasing a good dookified dookie” next to him.

“How can I just sit there and shit when I don’t know what kinda junk that other guy was born with,” Pearl asked, adding, “maybe you libtarded libtards can just walk into a bathroom and do what it is you went in there to do, but we conservatives never let our defense of American Values slip, even when we’ve got a case of the Hershey Squirts!”

Ultimately, Pearl says he will probably take his business to Wal*Mart because he knows “no matter how shittily they treat their employees, they’ll defend my right to shit in comfort while others can’t because of the genitalia they were born with. Because that’s what American liberty is — getting to do something just because you were born that way, while others are made to feel like subhuman monsters. God bless this great land of ours!”

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

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