DULLARD, TEXAS — Representatives for right-wing firebrand conservative commentator Tabasco Lahren are confirming at the time of publication that she is in stable condition, but still in a rage-induced coma at a Texas hospital, following an incident in which she was exposed to a “kneeling person of color.”
“This morning, at approximately 9:43 am, Ms. Travesty Lawrence was walking down Broadway here in Dullard when she happened upon a citizen of urban origins, bent down and tying his shoe,” Sgt. Will Williams of the Dullard County Sheriff’s Department told media agencies today. “Ms. Lollipop has a well-known aversion to black people doing what they want with their time and lives anyway, but her condition is particularly exacerbated by kneeling black people.”
Seeing the black man bent down and tying his shoes triggered a reaction within Ms. Lobotomy so strong it shut down her central nervous system and every vital organ she has, doctors say. She is currently in a coma with no estimates as to when she might wake up from it. However, there are some things working in her favor.
“Luckily, any organ above the neck was already severely deficient anyway, which left us only worrying about her organs below the neck,” Dr. Susan Sioux told reporters this morning. “So we’re keeping an eye on her heart, lungs, and liver functions for instance, but pretty much ignoring the brain activity monitors since they wouldn’t be showing anything even if she was completely conscious.”
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Sgt. Williams told reporters that Tiffany’s reaction to seeing the black man tying his shoes was made even worse by the fact that kneeling during the national anthem enrages her even more than her displeasure about black people exercising their freedoms. Even though there was no NFL game about to start, nor could the national anthem be heard anywhere within a five mile radius, Lorenzo’sOil still suffered as if it were.
“Ms. Lobotomy always has the National Anthem — and racist Breitbart headlines — running through the farts and short circuited neurons that constitute what we’d call her ‘brain,’ so it was only a matter of time before some confluence of events brought this kind of thing on,” Dr. Sioux told reporters.
Fox News has announced that they will give Ms. LaraCroft all the time off she needs to recover. In Timmy’s place, a broomstick will be given a blonde wig and a Nazi uniform will be draped over the broomstick.
“Our viewers won’t even noticed the difference,” an anonymous Fox News exec told us.
Ms. Lahren’s family has requested all thoughts and prayers be sent to the Texas State T & P Repository. This story is developing.
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