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Criminal Justice

Surely, We Don’t Expect Republicans to Suck Their Cult Leader Off All The Way from D.C.?

"Does anyone know how hard it is to have a long-distance relationship, much less...
U.S. Politics

A Firehose That Spews Diarrhea Told Me It’s Been Holding Mock Debates With Joe Biden

"...I'm not Harvey Keitel or Bobby DeNiro or anything, but I guess all that...
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LGTBQ+

Free Speech Defender Wants Teachers Arrested For Talking About Racism or Gay People In Florida

TALAHASSE, FLORIDUH -- You would be hard-pressed to find a politician who professes his...
Lifestyle

DeSantis Orders Critical Race Theory Detectors Installed on Every Florida Campus

TALLAHASSEE, FLORIDUH -- Gov. Ron DeSantis (Q) is on a crusade to eliminate Critical...
Science & Medicine

New Policy Lets DeSantis Punch Kids in the Mouth for Wearing a Mask

TALLAHASSEE, FLORIDUH -- A new policy instituted by Gov. Ron DeSantis (Q-FL) allows him...
Science & Medicine

DeSantis: “I’ll Worry About Kids Getting COVID When They’re Old Enough to Vote”

TALLAHASSEE, FLORIDUH -- This morning, Gov. Ron DeSantis (Q-FL) continued his public feud with...
Science & Medicine

DeSantis Orders All Florida High Schoolers to Participate in Unvaccinated Make-Out Parties

TALLAHASSEE, FLORIDUH -- Gov. Ron DeSantis (Q-FL) has issued an ultimatum to every high...
Science & Medicine

Florida’s Child COVID Positivity Higher Than Its Adult Literacy

TALLAHASSEE, FLORIDUH -- Children in the America's Dong State are more likely contract COVID-19...
Science & Medicine

DeSantis Undecided Whether to Continue to Do Nothing, or Pretend to Do Something About COVID

TALLAHASSEE, FLORIDUH -- His state is the new epicenter of America's fourth wave of...
Science & Medicine

Urologist Fears America’s Penis May Never Fully Recover from COVID-19 Delta Surge

Dr. Richard Schvantz has been a licensed, board certified urologist for over 40 years,...
Science & Medicine

DeSantis Signs Order Making It Illegal to Care About COVID Within Florida State Lines

TALLAHASSEE, FLORIDUH -- Gov. Ron DeSantis (Q-FL) had a unique idea to help his...
Sports

Man Who Can’t Compete in Any Athletic Setting Wants to Talk to You About Trans Athletes

NEEDLEDICK, FLORIDA -- 53 year old non-union electrician Joey Mahoney can't run very well,...
MAGA News

Gaetz Leaving Congress to Become Dean of Emissions at Liberty University

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Embattled Congressman Matt Gaetz (Q-FL) has decided it's time to end...
Criminal Justice

Matt Gaetz Has a Perfectly Reasonable Explanation for Using Venmo to Buy a Fleet of Windowless Vans

LAKE EPSTEIN, FLORIDA -- According to sources, investigators have uncovered a new wrinkle in...
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Criminal Justice

Surely, We Don’t Expect Republicans to Suck Their Cult Leader Off All The Way from D.C.?

"Does anyone know how hard it is to have a long-distance relationship, much less...
U.S. Politics

A Firehose That Spews Diarrhea Told Me It’s Been Holding Mock Debates With Joe Biden

"...I'm not Harvey Keitel or Bobby DeNiro or anything, but I guess all that...
Criminal Justice

I Interviewed the Condom Donald Trump Didn’t Use When He Ivanka’d Stormy Daniels

"Prophylactic Americans have senses just like everyone else. And would YOU want to ever...
Criminal Justice

Who Hasn’t Told a Woman She Reminds Us of Our Child Right Before We Put Our Penis In Her?

"Turns out, most of us don't think about our kids before we fuck someone....

© James Schlarmann (All Material is Satirical)