President Suggested Strapping Border Crossers to Nukes and Dropping Them on Hurricanes

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — This week it was reported by several outlets that soon-to-be impeached President Donald J. Trump has floated some rather barbaric ideas for how to better secure the southern border between the United States and Mexico.

Mr. Trump ran for president in 2016, largely on a platform of “draining the swamp”  — a term used for eliminating corruption in D.C. — and building a massive wall on the southern border that Mexico would pay for. So far, a substantial number of Trump’s administration have resigned in disgrace after being accused of various forms of corruption, and Mexico has not paid for a dime of the wall’s construction. President Trump has, though, wrested funds away from the vets he loves and cares so much about to build the wall.

According to the published reports, President Trump has, in the past, suggested that soldiers guarding the border be allowed to shoot those who cross without documentation in the legs. He has asked if the U.S. should build a literal moat and fill it literally with snakes and alligators. So-called President Trump has even inquired about electrifying the fence and putting spikes on top of it. But a recently unearthed email between the commander in chief and his top advisers seems to indicate those ideas were just the tip of the iceberg.

Frustrated by the lack of wall progress and the number of migrants applying for asylum, Trump has privately mused that the barrier between the U.S. and Mexico should include a moat stocked with snakes and/or alligators, and asked his aides how much that would cost to execute. He also asked if the wall could be electrified and wanted spikes at the top, painted “flat black,” that could tear into a person. (If Andrew Jackson is the amoral, historical villain that Trump hopes to channel, on the border it appears he’s looking back a little further and for someone a little “nastier.”) (NYMag)

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Trump denied the reports on Twitter today. The man who has told more than 12,000 verified lies since taking office informed the American public that someone else was lying this time. Sources say that it’s unclear if Trump knows when he’s lying, and when he’s just farting loudly and moving his mouth to the rhythm of the flatulence. The man who bravely stared directly at an eclipse accused the press of having “gone crazy.”

This evening, an anonymous hotmail account emailed several press outlets an email between President Trump and his top racism adviser Stephen Miller. White House lying coordinator Stephanie Grisham was copied on the email, and America’s favorite Skeletor impersonator, Kellyanne Conway, was also included on the email chain.

“Hey dummies, gotta question for you,” Trump’s email begins. “Got an idea for how to deal with the ILL-IGGLE BORDER CROSSERS. Was talking to a few people on 4chan last night. Nice trolls. Really wonderful trolls. You know, there are fine people among the trolls. Anyway, they gave me an idea and I want to run it by you.”

The president’s email suggests something that it’s unclear if any president would have even thought of. Mr. Trump floated the idea of perhaps strapping people who are found and detained while crossing the border without documents to nuclear bombs. Then, the bombs would be hurled into hurricanes.

“Think about it, fam! You kill two birds with one atom bomb,” Trump’s letter states. “You take care of the invasion of people seeking refuge from murder, crime, and chaos in a country that pretends to care about giving shelter to those seeking liberty. And you also get to blow up a friggin’ hurricane with a nuke! No need to thank me for this very brilliant plan.”

Reportedly, the email was deemed so controversial that the recipients tried to send it to the First Lady to delete and permanently remove. However, they hit a snag.

“I guess Ivanka must’ve accidentally hit the forward button instead of delete, because she sent it to all of you folks,” a White House aide told us on the condition of anonymity. “Of course, the president isn’t too worried about what happens when word of the email gets out. His approval rating among his base will go up another 15 points, at least.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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