WASHINGTON, D.C. — Speaker of the House Paul Ryan (R-WI) announced today that the House Committee on American Puppetry would convene and investigate reports that Steve Bannon, chief adviser to President Donald Trump, has hands that smell like Trump’s anus.
“We’ve gotten multiple, numerous reports that Bannon’s hands smell like Trump’s ass,” Ryan said at a press conference, “and of course that means we all know what Trump’s ass smells like. But let’s not get bogged down in that right now. What we have to determine right now is why Steve’s hands smell like that, and what steps we take, if any, to remedy that.”
To complete the task, Ryan said he has hired a scientific laboratory that specializes in these kinds of investigations. Dr. Kermit Henson of the Moppit Institute For Scientific Sciencing will lead the investigation, which Dr. Henson said will be performed “to the strictest of standards.” Henson said he’d probably employ his top two scientists, Drs. Bunson Honeydew and Beaker Beakerson. The pair were responsible for proving the link between vaccines and keeping humans safe from deadly epidemics conclusively.
“Honeydew and Beaker can get to the bottom of this mystery,” Henson told reporters at the press conference, “and I’d stake my reputation on it. We know only a few things for certain — mostly that Steve Bannon’s hands smell like Mr. Trump’s butthole. From there, many questions will need to be asked and answered, obviously. And it’ll all flow from the work those two do.”
There are many possible causes for Bannon’s hands to smell like the posterior of President Trump, Dr. Henson said.
“Maybe Mr. Trump doesn’t trust anyone but his closest circle for anything,” Henson posited, “including prostate examinations. So maybe Bannon just doesn’t wash his hands well enough after checking President Trump’s. That’s just one theory, of course.”
Other theories have already been put into formal hypotheses, Dr. Henson stated. Ultimately, he says that the scientific method will be the only true way to get the answers people seek. He urges caution and patience in demanding too many answers too quickly.
“What we know for certain is that Bannon is often seen standing right behind Trump,” Henson said, “and we also know that Mr. Trump has difficulty speaking if Mr. Bannon is drinking a glass of water, or not in the room with him. We also know Steve Bannon’s hands smell like our president’s asshole. There’s something there, we know it, and we’ll get to the bottom of it, no pun intended.”
President Trump did not respond to requests for comment because Mr. Bannon was not anywhere to be found at the time.
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