“I aggressively fantasize about both of them in my dreams.”
After writing about politics for well over a decade, almost nothing actually shocks or surprises me anymore. So you can imagine how trippy it was for me to get a call from Steve Bannon, the former White House race war adviser and winner of the 2022 “Most Beautiful Rectal Wart in the World” Award from Oncology Magazine. I never could have imagined he’d call me, let alone what he told me when he did.
“James, I’m about to go to jail and that definitely has me very sad,” Bannon said when I answered his call, “but what makes me most sad is that I’m going to jail and I never got around to reading Obama’s or Hillary’s memoirs before I did! I just really can’t wait to dive in, because deep, deep down? I love ’em both so much! I aggressively fantasize about both of them in my dreams, you know.”
Bannon then told me he thinks it would be really wonderful if people sent him books written by Hillary or Obama while he was in prison. Admittedly, I was pretty surprised to find out he wanted to read books written by two people I, thanks to everything he says out loud, thought he considered to be demon worshiping socialist libtarded Democraps, so I asked him about that.
“You mean you’re still surprised when you find out the loudest conservatives have the biggest secrets, and are full of hypocritical shit, James,” Bannon asked me. “Of course I love Barry and Hill-dawg. They make me so much fucking money! All I do is trigger the unwashed masses by mentioning them or George Soros, and BAM! I get more money. It’s the grift that keeps on grifting.”
I was really kind of taken aback that Bannon would be so willing to expose himself as a disingenuous bridge troll so publicly. Wouldn’t his friends, colleagues, and fellow fascists be angry at him for exposing their con? I asked him about that very thing. Bannon laughed a laugh that sounded like someone using a cheese grater on a chain link fence and answered my question.
“Bro, did you see that Alex Jones literally admitted, under oath, that everything he does is just really loud, angry, obnoxious, racist theater? Didn’t you see that Tucker Carlson’s lawyers argued that nobody with a brain worth half a shit actually believes what he says,” Bannon asked rhetorically.
I heard Steve fart at the crescendo of his laughter. He cleared his throat and continued.
“I mean, my Build the Wall fraud got exposed and prosecuted, and those dopey fucks STILL keep sending me their Social Security scraps,” he pressed on. “That’s the great thing about working in the media sphere built on sociopolitical mythologies — true believers only believe what they’re told to believe. No, buddy, I don’t give a fuck if someone shouts from the rooftops what I am…our people only pretend to care about integrity; they certainly don’t care if anyone one our side has any. Because they don’t either.”
I Interviewed the Condom Donald Trump Didn’t Use When He Ivanka’d Stormy Daniels
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