“It has a super-cool ring to it, doesn’t it? And it’s very aspirational for MAGA voters.” – Stephen Miller, White House Adviser & Bald Nazi Cunt
I really wish I could figure out who in the conservative ecosphere got ahold of my phone number, because every so often I get calls from people like Stephen Miller, the incoming White House racism adviser. While it is true their calls often lead to newsworthy publications, it is always frightening to hear Miller’s weedy voice on the end of the line.
This morning, Stephen called me because he wanted to let the country know why he supports his boss, rapist-elect Donald J. Trump, using the power of the presidency to acquire the entire country of Greenland.
“Hey, James, thanks for taking my call,” Miller said immediately after I picked up, not giving me even a chance to greet him. “You got about half an hour for me to rant about brown people and talk about Greenland?”
Before I could answer, Stephen was pressing on. He did indeed spend about twenty-five minutes on a diatribe about how immigrants and non-white people “dilute the power” of something or another. To be honest, I’m not really sure what he was saying because I tuned him out after the third time he said “Cultural Marxism.” However, just before ending our conversation, he did mention Greenland.
“You know, the thing about Greenland, is that it’s pretty cool, but I think we can make it cooler. Better. More aligned with our country’s MAGA mandate, know what I mean,” Miller asked me. “It’s so close to being perfect. It’s got tons of people with the right skin tone in it, that’s the first part. But the name, man. The name doesn’t really fit with what we want.”
Miller said that “Greenland” sounds too much like the much-hated “Green New Deal” and because of that, if Trump does in fact acquire Greenland from our NATO ally in Denmark, Stephen will lobby him hard to change the country’s name to something he says is “way better branding.”
“Whiteland. It has a super-cool ring to it, doesn’t it? And it’s very aspirational for MAGA voters,” Miller explained. “We want all of America to be Whiteland, so if we get our hands on Greenland, and then change its name to Whiteland, it’s like a literal and symbolic way to signal to everyone in the world where are priorities and vision lie, and plus it’s just way better branding to have the word white in it, I think.”
Check out our sketch comedy show, “Into the Garbage Chute.”
