JOLLY OLD ENGLANDSHIRE, UK — Doctors in the United Kingdom announced what they called a “groundbreaking, if not all that terribly surprising” development involving the late Stephen Hawking’s brain function.
Though Dr. Hawking passed away in 2018, after a decades-long battle against ALS (Lou Gehrig’s Disease), officials with the National Health say that his brain function is still “off the charts.”
“It is really quite extraordinary, isn’t it? It would seem that Dr. Hawking is not quite done doing the impossible,” Dr. Sharon Windsor told reporters from St. Joseph Williamson Memorial Hospital in London. “We’re still compiling the numbers, but it would appear that even his deceased state, Dr. Hawking’s brain is still operating at a level on an order of magnitude higher than most living human beings.”
Dr. Windsor gave reporters some benchmarks by which she and her team can measure Hawking’s brain functions against an average human’s.
“When we compare Dr. Hawking’s brain as it is now to an average human, we see some fascinating things,” Windsor said. “For starters, even in his deceased state, Hawking’s brain fully recognizes the existence of anthropogenic climate change. Current estimates show that at least 25% of the population can’t even grasp that concept, and they’re still inhaling and exhaling.”
Hawking’s brain is showing other signs of advanced functionality despite being dead.
“It’s truly remarkable. His brain has been calculating the shortest distance between this dimension and the next one for the last several hours,” Dr. Windsor said, “and even more impressive is the fact that the phrase ‘only children call taxation theft’ has been running through his neural pathways on a constant loop.”
Windsor said that despite “insurmountable scientific evidence” that Hawking’s brain is still functioning at much higher levels than most humans, there is also “perfectly observable anecdotal evidence” to verify the findings.
“He’s not craving a Tide Pod, and he hasn’t turned on a single Tammy Lahren, Nigel Farage, or Tucker Carlson video clip,” Windsor said. “He hasn’t turned on the radio to listen to a KISS song. And none of us have once heard him quote David Avocado Wolfe or the Food Babe, so even without all the brain wave scans we’ve done, we’ve got enough anecdotally observed evidence to make this kind of finding available.
Dr. Stephen Hawking was 76 years old.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.