WASHINGTON, D.C. — The spate of legal hiring done by temporary President Donald Trump and those surrounding his inner-circle and cabinet has been noticeable to all but the most strident of his supporters. The criminal and counterintelligence investigations into Trump and his associates has forced the president himself, his Vice-President, the president’s attorney, and even the nation’s top lawyer, Attorney General Jeff Sessions, to hire attorneys to represent them as the Russian interference probes heat up.
Now, word has come that the man Sessions hired as his attorney was forced to hire an attorney to represent him, who in turned decided he should hire an attorney, and that that attorney has now hired outside counsel.
“It’s a real, well, what’s the word you Yankees use for it,” Sessions told reporters outside the Department of Justice, “a clusterfuck, I think? We white supremacists and cookie elves use the term, ‘Benghazi Democrat Satan Sharia Fest.'”
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Sessions confirmed to reporters that his attorney’s attorney has had to “lawyer up” because the Russian probe has “gotten so big,” but that no matter what it looks like to outside observers, Sessions is completely innocent from any wrongdoing whatsoever.
“Look, I cayn’t recall whether I did something wrong or not,” Sessions said, “but even if I had, I must reiterate what I’ve said before — white people, especially white Republicans — simply are not legally culpable for anything they do in pursuit of keeping a Democrat — particularly a Clinton — out of the White House.”
Mr. Sessions seemed to indicate, as well, that the legal hiring may not in fact be done yet.
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“I would not be surprised if my attorney’s attorney’s attorney’s attorney has to hire himself an attorney,” Sessions said, “because colluding while not actually colluding with a foreign country to get help winning an election, covering it up, and then soft-obstructing justice is complicated, messy work, y’all. It’s like when I wanted to sleep with both my cousin and my sister. The head elf was not happy at first. But once I explained they were the same person, he understood completely.”
Thus far, more than 15 intelligence agencies have published or publicized assessments that Russia hacked the 2016 presidential election in an effort to help Trump win the White House. Mr. Sessions chose to recuse himself from the investigation into Russian meddling when it was found that he was not truthful about meeting with Russian representatives last year, during his Senate confirmation as Attorney General. Trump’s former campaign manager and national security adviser have also resigned over increased pressure of the Russian probes.
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