WASHINGTON, D.C. — This week, Attorney General Jeff Sessions testified before the House Judiciary Oversight committee.
During his testimony Sessions was asked repeatedly why he kept having to amend his Senate confirmation hearing testimony in regards to questions about his contacts with Russian operatives while a surrogate for the Donald Trump presidential campaign. At his confirmation, Sessions repeatedly denied having any contacts with Russians, but in the ensuing weeks and months, Sessions has had to adjust or amend his testimony as news stories broke that placed Sessions in meetings that were also attended by Russian envoys. In his Judiciary committee testimony, Sessions often said he could not recall or remember details of his contacts, bringing sharp rebuke from those saying he was not being truthful or forthcoming.
Alternative Facts reported that pharmaceutical titan Merck is working with Mr. Sessions to develop a new, “reverse roofie” for him to take in an effort to bolster his memory. However, this morning at a prayer breakfast in the nation’s capital, Sessions attempted to shed some more light on his memory lapses.
“Well I tell you, I’ve always maintained that smoking marijuana is literally the worst thing you could possibly do as a sentient human being,” Sessions said, “and I do declare that I am living proof of the harms this vile, worse-than-heroin, drug can do to your life.”
Sessions explained that his memory loss is the result of him accidentally trying marijuana on election night, last year.
“We was all super-duper happy we defeated Killary Clintstoned, excuse me, that’s rude and disrespectful. I should say, we were happy we had defeated former Secretary of State Killary Clintstoned,” Sessions said. “And just as the president-elect was taking a congratulatory phone call from his special comrades overseas, someone handed me what I thought was a cigar. I took two deep puffs, and then realized something was terribly wrong.”
Mr. Sessions said he had, unbeknownst to him, been handed a cigar packed with marijuana.
“Apparently it was what the urbans call a ‘blunt’. I was horrified, because I found myself in a relaxed state of euphoria, and we all know if the Good Lord Above wanted us to feel good he’d give us all a cross to burn on a lawn, not some green leafy plant to smoke,” Sessions said.
Though it was his one and only time smoking pot, Sessions says his life has never been the same since, and one of the side effects is his total and complete memory loss on certain subjects.
“I can remember to go out and tell everyone dirty Mexicans — excuse me, undocumented dirty Mexicans — who were brought here as children are all criminals and thugs,” Sessions said, “and I can remember all the racist jokes my grandpappy the grand wizard taught me. But ever since I puffed that wacky tobacky, I can’t remember shit when it comes to Russia and such.”
Attorney General Sessions says he’s worried about other consequences of his pot usage.
“Everyone knows I’m tough on drugs, pot especially. I was genuinely worried for a while that I was going to have to arrest myself,” Sessions said.
Then, he paused.
“Then I looked in the mirror, saw I was still white, and knew I’d be just fine,” the Attorney General said, beaming.
More Satire:
California Medical Marijuana Grower Releases New Strain Named After Jeff Sessions
