Senate GOP Agrees To Hold “Fair and Unbiased Adjudication” of Ice Cream the President Shits

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — In beginning to lay out the House’s case against President Donald John Trump in his Senate impeachment trial, Congressman Adam Schiff took over two and a half hours meticulously rebuilding the timeline of events surrounding the circumstances that have brought the country to this point. For just the third time in the nation’s history, a man stands accused of “high crimes and misdemeanors,” and is his guilt or innocence rests in the hands of a hundred Senators. During their lunch break, several Republican Senators gave remarks on how they think the trial has gone for both sides — the House and the president — thus far.

Senators Ted Cruz, Lindsey Graham, Tom Cotton, and John Cornyn — all Republicans like the president — said they have been listening to the comments from average citizens, and as such said they have decided to “put some of the fears of the American people to rest.”

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“I want to make something abundantly clear,” Cornyn said, “we fully intend to make this trial a biased adjudication of the facts.”

Senator Cruz concurred.

“I concur with Senator Cornyn,” Cruz said, “we have all committed ourselves to acting impartially and fairly. We will therefore judge the facts on their merits.”

Graham, too, agreed.

“I, too, agree, with these two,” Graham interjected. “I will serve with them as unbiased jurors. Once we’ve heard the case, we will render our judgment, clean and away from all bias and predetermination, of the those facts.”

Cotton confirmed everything that was said before him.

“I just want to confirm everything that these three fine, upstanding, light-skinned American patriots said before me,” Cotton stated. “We will be fair. We will be impartial. We will be unbiased, and we will let the facts dictate we must go.”

Cruz spoke again.

“That’s right. Ladies and gentlemen, we wouldn’t be doing our constitutional duties if we didn’t judge the ice cream that President Trump shits, that he literally shits, unless we did so fairly and without bias,” Cruz said emphatically. “I will not have my reputation for being above the politics of the day when it comes to presidential ice cream shits, by rendering a pre-judgment.”

Cornyn stepped back up to the mic.

“Yes, that’s correct,” Cornyn agreed with Cruz, “we cannot simply tell you before we let it touch our tongues what we think of the ice cream that this president shits. That would simply be partisan and we can’t afford that, in these grave and serious times.”

Senator Cotton declared that the “American people are counting on the Senate to give them a full and fair accounting” of the ice cream that comes out of President Trump’s rectum.

“They won’t be happy, and well they shouldn’t be, if we render our judgment before we’ve had a chance to taste it,” Cotton said. “That’s not how trials work. That’s not how taste tests work. Hell, that’s not how Yelp! reviews are supposed to work.”

Senator Graham told the media that the Senate “may even find out things about how his rectal ice cream tastes” that they weren’t expecting, but that he and his fellow Senators owe it to the country to report exactly what they taste, but only after they’ve had the chance to taste it.

“Hell, I suppose it’s possible he doesn’t shit ice cream, but I doubt it. It’s possible though, that he shits something else,” Graham said, “like sherbet or gelato. But having been down there several times myself, I can report without any reservation that I’ve always come away feeling like I’ve eaten soupy chocolate soft serve. If that’s not ice cream, then I don’t think I wanna know why my face is always covered in brown, smeared, sticky stuff.”

The four men bade the reporters goodbye, and walked back into the Senate chamber to resume hearing presentations from the House impeachment managers.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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