WASHINGTON, D.C. — Peter Foxerson, the sly, billionaire fox with a monocle and Donald Trump’s selection for Secretary of Hen House Defense, has been confirmed by the U.S. Senate. Foxerson will be sworn in over the weekend by Vice-President Mike Pence, who Foxerson has previously said is “the lantern-jawed bigot we all want to be.”
The vote to confirm Foxerson came down to mostly a party line vote. Every Republican and two Democrats voted to confirm Foxerson, while one Republican jumped ship to join the remaining Democrats to vote no on Foxerson’s confirmation. Democratic Senators Joe Manchin (WV) and Heidi Heitkamp (ND) voted to approve Foxerson much as they voted to approve Scott Pruitt, enraging many in their party’s base.
Manchin attempted to explain his vote this afternoon.
“Look, I’m from a state that sometimes votes for Republicans in presidential elections,” Manchin said, “so sometimes that means putting my future electoral prospects ahead of my principles, or the prevailing thought of the party that gave me my seat and my sweet, sweet paycheck. I was between a rock and boat load of donor cash, and well, I cashed out. YOLO!”
Foxerson’s nomination was sharply criticized by hen house safety advocates. They argued that putting him in charge of defending the nation’s hen houses would be like putting a man in charge of a federal agency he couldn’t name once despite wanting to eliminate it, or putting an energy industry puppet in charge of the EPA, an agency he’s sued and wants to dismantle as well. But Co-President Trump has stood steadfastly by Foxerson. Over the weekend, at a 2020 campaign rally in Florida, Trump had effusive priase for Foxerson to hand out.
“I’ve known Pete a long time, long time,” Trump said of Foxerson, “and if I were going to build a hen house, I’d want him guarding it. Trust me, you can trust him. Will he skim a few hens off the top for himself? C’mon, wouldn’t you? Of course you would Don’t be such a judgmental prick.”
Trump explained that he doesn’t think it’s a problem if Foxerson “skims some hens off the top” because he doesn’t think most Americans would care about the “kinds of hens” that Foxerson would be taking for his own use.
“We’re talking about the hens no one wants, folks,” Trump said, “the sick ones. The dying ones. The fat ones. The ones over 30. You know, it’s always best to look at hens like you do wives. Dump ’em before they get too sick, old, fat, or over 30, know what I mean? Of course you do. I’m the fuckin’ president. You have to know what I mean. It’s in the Bible, or the Constitution or whatever the fuck. Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee!”
Trump did a cartwheel off the stage into a giant tub of vanilla pudding. There, he stripped off his clothes and wallowed in the pudding for fifteen minutes, screaming at everyone who walked by that this was his “presidential pudding time” and it was against his “official presidential decree” to disturb him. No one dared disturb him.
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.
