SUNSHINE, IOWA — The Scott Walker 2016 presidential campaign is on fumes according to most pundits and Beltway insiders. Despite having the backing of Charles and David Koch, the Republican governor of Wisconsin is fading fast in the polls, and current front runner Donald Trump has been pushing Walker further and further right on issues like immigration, which when confronted by members of the media that don’t correspond for right-wing outlets forces him to shift back to the middle. “He’s already starting to look like Mitt Romney in 2012,” one insider told The Political Garbage Chute, “because in our modern times Republican candidates have to play to their fundamentalist base so much, and Trump is exposing all that, so when Walker lurches right and the media calls him on it, he has to immediately flop back to a more moderate position.”
Some on the Hill are starting to surmise that Walker’s campaign is rudderless, but according to one highly placed source in the Walker camp that spoke to The Chute on condition of anonymity and a case of Miller High Life told us that the problem is that “the governor is generally a very confused man” and that confusion “only makes him look like a flip-flopping, feckless, idiot who will say whatever it is he thinks he has to say one day to fire up his base, only to have to retract it hours later when people call him on it.”
The Walker aide we spoke to told us that his boss “doesn’t really have a whole lot of knowledge or opinions on much of anything” because he “dropped out of college, which a lot of people do, but he took the extra step of demagoguing, mocking and avoiding education” so he “has a real dearth of intellectual thought on just about any topic.” According to the staffer “that makes him an ideal candidate, because donors can just drop a coin into his slot, and fill him up with whatever rhetoric that want to hear spewing from his mouth.”
“Remember when he said he didn’t know if being gay was a choice or not,” the staffer asked rhetorically, “of course in 2016 that makes him look like an out of touch stooge. But the truth is that he literally doesn’t know because he has spent his entire adult life avoiding having to think about any subject. Literally every issue he has had his opinions spoon fed to him. So no one should really be all that surprised that he looks like a wishy-washy moron.”
Similarly, earlier this year when Walker hemmed and hawed about climate change and whether humanity was causing or making the problem worse, the anonymous staffer tells us it was because he “genuinely was not allowed to hold an informed opinion about anything by his benefactors” and that if Walker was to be “allowed to surf to any websites other than Fox News, the Blaze, or World Net Daily he’d be able to see that 97% of the world’s climate scientists agree on this stuff, and that disagreeing with them makes him look like an idiot.”
“Governor Walker is a very confused man. He’s literally confused about everything,” the aide told us as the interview was winding down. “We still think he can win, of course, because George W. Bush didn’t even realize he was running for president until Dick Cheney told him he was. And if that numbskull can win two elections — well, win one and steal one — then certainly Governor Walker could win one and steal one too. That’s what we’re hoping for. That or a cabinet seat in President Trump’s administration. Because who wouldn’t want to have a first class ticket on a train to Hell?”
