WINTER FALLS, NEW YORK — Scientists with the National Institute of Weights, Measurements, and Guess-timates have announced that they’ve made a breakthrough, perhaps world changing discovery. Since January 20th, 2017, the space-time continuum has been running in “dog years.”
“Basically, for every day Trump is in office,” Dr. E. Martin McBrown told reporters during a semi-annual press conference that the NIWMG hosts, “it feels like seven years. So technically, this is much, much worse than the hypothetical, mythical dog years idea, really, if you think about it. Much…much worse.”
McBrown said that he chose to use the “dog years” analogy because human beings have accepted it as a paradigm, even though it’s not technically true that a dog experiences time in a 1:7 ratio to humans. The truth is that according to the institute’s estimates, Americans will age on average 255 years over the next four.
“This could have really interesting effects on our society and species,” Dr. McBrown said, “who knows how the human body will react to this kind of rapid aging process. It’s like we all made it to the end of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade and chose the wrong grail.”
It’s the undue stress and pressure of worrying about what their commander in chief is going to angrily tweet at 3am, or which foreign leader he’s going to insult, that has the space-time continuum so out of balance, Dr. McBrown explained. He said that while there was no real scientific explanation for this phenomenon, there is “really little to no doubt” that people are experiencing time in a much, much different way since Trump took office.
“We’re obviously going to do everything we can to peer review these findings,” Dr. McBrown insisted, “and figure out just how much validity there is to them. But undoubtedly in the preliminary results, we’re seeing a rift in the space-time continuum like we haven’t seen since the President Tannen incident, and I won’t lie, there are tremendous similarities between that rift and this rift. It’s just that President Biff had at least some redeeming qualities. Not many, but more than our current president.”
Reached for comment, Co-President Donald Trump said he was “bigly honored” to have the “time nerds” study him so carefully.
“I think that’s tremendous,” Trump told reporters as he walked to Arby’s for his fifth Big Beef ‘n’ Cheddar sandwich of the day, “that the time nerds are looking into everything I’m changing around this country. I’m really, bigly honored by this. As long as my name is being mentioned, I’m really very pleased.”
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