SC Gov. To Start Nightly Rotation ‘Staking Out’ Different Women’s Uteruses

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COLUMBIA, SOUTH CAROLINA — Not content to simply sign one of the nation’s most restrictive anti-abortion laws, South Carolina’s governor announced this morning she would begin “staking out” every uterus that belongs to a sexually active female in her state.

Gov. Nikki Haley (R) signed the bill, which bands abortions from the 20-week mark of a pregnancy forward, said at a prayer breakfast held at a local bowling alley in the capital that she felt “deeply committed” to “preserving the sanctity of life from the earliest point possible.” Because of that commitment, she says she realized that she couldn’t just assume that the abortion ban would effectively end all abortions in the state ever, she had to “personally see to it that nothing but penises are entering uteruses in this state, and then only exclusively for making babies.” After a pause, she said, “Republican babies.”

“I’m going to be staking out every uterus in this great state of ours,” Haley told breakfast attendees, “because while some might argue that my job is to govern this state and not find ways to circumvent the Constitution and the Supreme Court, I disagree. While others might feel there is literally nothing about this bill that would mean I favor small government, I disagree. What else is government, if not small, if I can cram it up your vagina to spy on you what you do with your uterus?”

Haley said that she initially considered literally crawling up inside South Carolinian women’s uteruses and spending the night in each one on a nightly rotation, but decided that spending the money on a shrinking ray wasn’t as expedient as just camping out in front of women’s homes. The governor also said she would be asking the state legislature to set aside funds so she can create a “Uterine Task Force” that will investigate all miscarriages reported in the state.

“Look, twenty weeks is a super-early cutoff y’all,” Haley told everyone at the breakfast, “and it’s right in the time when a lot of pregnancies miscarry, which is an abortion in and of itself, and I have directed by Attorney General to look into whether we can prosecute either God or the Universe for murdering all those unborn babies, but until we can do that, I need to be able to separate the abortions from the miscarriages.”

The governor said that need to determine how a pregnancy ended is why she is asking for more funding to start a “task force that will hunt down women who claim to have had a miscarriage” and “conduct exhaustive interrogations of them.”

“We need to be ensuring it really was nature and not human interference that murdered that poor, defenseless, semi-parasitic organism that causes major health risks in every single pregnancy that we’re just so spoiled to live at a time when western medicine has found ways to mitigate most of them,” Haley said.

State legislators will also be asked to raise additional revenue so that Gov. Haley can “administer random pregnancy tests” to people she meets in the street.

“No one can hide from us,” Haley said, “no one can keep their pregnancy a secret from our small, fiscally conservative government that is now going to spend millions of dollars in court fighting for this law when it is inevitably challenged and struck down all the way to the Supreme Court.”

This story is developing.

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