Sarah Palin: Why Does Obama Keep Getting Bristol Pregnant?

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GOLD PLAINS, IOWA — Former half-term Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin (R), while in Iowa campaigning for Donald J. Trump this week told reporters that she is “sick and tired” of President Barack H. Obama “ruining” her family, and she’s “pretty sure” Obama impregnated her daughter Bristol.

Earlier this week Palin made headlines when she endorsed Trump for the Republican nomination over her former ally in the Tea Party, Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX). On the same day Palin announced her support for Trump, her son Track was arrested in Alaska on domestic violence charges after his girlfriend accused him of punching her in the head. Ms. Palin dismissed the charges against her son, saying that he and his family were dealing with the  “ramifications of some PTSD,” and then she seemed to blame Obama for making it worse.

“More than ever,” Palin told a rally crowd in Tulsa, Oklahoma, “it is now or never for the sake of America’s finest that we’ll have that commander in chief who will respect them and honor them.”

While many veterans groups condemned Palin’s PTSD comments, still others called her out for what they believed was an obvious deflection away from her son and onto the president. In Iowa on Friday, Palin didn’t back down, but rather doubled-down, on her accusations against the president. “Let me ask you all this,” Palin shouted into the microphone, “why does Obama keep getting Bristol pregnant?” The crowd stopped cheering momentarily and looked at each other with puzzled looks in their eyes. Palin attempted to explain.

“The man is trained by George Soros and Saul Alinsky’s Force Ghost to destroy not only the American country, but the Palin clan too,” Palin said, “and I’m sick to death of it. It’s one thing for him to inject my son with his liberal PTSD, but knocking up my daughter not once, but twice, is just plain rude, even for a Democrat. This Mama Grizzly is gonna get her stompin’ boots on and go raise some Hell on that mom jeans wearing Democratical president we have up there, you betcha!”

Ms. Palin told the crowd she’s “always had an inkling” that it was Obama who secretly impregnated Bristol during the 2008 presidential campaign but she never wanted to accuse him of it since her daughter was a minor and she didn’t have any of what “lamestream liberals call proof.” Palin said she was “just certain” Obama and his team had somehow managed to impregnate Bristol in order to bring shame to Palin and discredit her and hurt Senator John McCain’s chances in the general election.

“But the gotcha press and the hoo-ha-mimbly-bimbly liberal media kept telling me how stupid I was because the baby doesn’t look anything like Obama, it’s physically impossible because we have easily verified records as to his whereabouts that whole year, and something about how I sound nuttier than a fruitcake,” Palin rolled her eyes and made the universal hand gesture for masturbating a penis. “Whatever, media. We all know what your Dear Leader is capable of. First he forces my son to beat on his girlfriend with his Sharia mind control beams, and then he goes and knocks-up my daughter again.” 

With the primary season in full-swing, Trump still has a commanding lead over Cruz in most nationally-recognized polls. President Obama could not be reached for comment.


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