Rush Limbaugh Confused Why He Hasn’t Evolved Into a Human Yet

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PALM BEACH, FLORIDA — Conservative talk radio host and 2003 winner of the “Smelliest Farts Imaginable Award” from Republican Monthly Magazine Rush Limbaugh doesn’t buy into evolution at all.

Last year, Limbaugh went on a rant about Harambe, the gorilla who was shot and killed at the Cincinnati Zoo when a small child got into his enclosure. Rush asked his audience, “If we were the original apes, then how come Harambe is still an ape, and how come he didn’t become one of us?” Then, on his weekly Wednesday night podcast entitled “Further Bloated Bloviations,” Limbaugh dived down deeper into the subject of evolution.

“Clearly I don’t get how evolution — micro or macro — works, or what it is,” Limbaugh told his podcast audience, “so sure I think it’s totally plausible that I’d be wondering why a massive, barely shaved gorilla like myself hasn’t turned into a human yet either.”

Limbaugh then went through a litany of issues where his opinions belie a lesser-evolved brain within his skull.

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“I’m in favor of the drug war even though I’m an admitted former drug addict,” Limbaugh said, “and I’ve even come out in favor of drug testing welfare recipients. I’m a firm believer in Trickle Down economics, and if ever there was an example of simplistic, unevolved thinking, it’s Tricke Down. I’ve had almost as many failed marriages as Donald Trump has had failed business ventures, and yet I think it’s gays that ruin the sanctity of marriage. Nearly every opinion I have is from a bygone era and built around largely debunked social myths and stereotypes. So yeah, I’d say I’m as good an argument against evolution as any, wouldn’t you?”

Reached for comment, Dr. Jane Goodall, famed anthropologist and gorilla expert, seemed to almost confirm that Limbaugh is indeed closer to a gorilla than to a human.

“You know what,” Goodall said, listening back to Limbaugh’s podcast, “I mean, he makes a good point. I’d say there’s about a 50/50 chance he has more gorilla DNA than human. Perhaps, just perhaps, he is the highly-touted missing link?”

Then, after more consideration, Goodall hedged a bit.

“Either that or he’s just a massive douchey windbag piece of shit,” Dr. Goodall said with a shrug, “your call, really.”

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