NEW YORK, NEW YORK — His campaign reeling from allegations of sexual misconduct piling up quickly, Donald Trump as elicited the help of two friends who will join him for the rest of the campaign.
Former Fox News CEO Roger Ailes and former decent human being Bill Cosby will accompany the alleged billionaire at all of campaign rallies until Election Day. At an early morning press conference, Trump told reporters that Ailes and Cosby would give him “bigly moral support” and that he is grateful for both men’s “willingness to be seen in public” with him. Mr. Trump said that the three men “have so much in common” that it was a “no brainer” for the union to form.
“We have much,” Trump said, “so much, really, in common. We’re all tremendously successful. We’re all Baby Boomers. And I’m sure that we have something else in common, I just can’t think what it is right now.”
Trump said Ailes will be in charge of imaging and crowd control. The reality-TV star and businessman with multiple bankruptcies said that Mr. Ailes will make sure “the hottest, best looking Trump ladies” are in the front row, and that Ailes has “special skills and experience” and is very good at cajoling women to do things they “may not realize they want to do.”
“For press coverage reasons only, I want all the hottest, bust looking Trump ladies in the front row,” Trump said, “because nothing’s worser than giving a political speech and not having anything good to look at while you talk. Roger’s told me he’ll be able to use his special skills and experience to help position them exactly where it is I want them. That’s big to me, having women right where I want them.”
Cosby will be the campaign’s official mixologist.
“A lot of people I guess know Bill as a comedian,” Trump said, “I don’t know anything about that, but I do know Cosby makes one hell of a stiff cocktail. Some say too stiff, really. But he’ll be in charge of keeping the drinks coming. Whether we’re on the jet, in a limo riding over to the rallies, or in our hotel rooms late at night with some special guests, Bill will make sure the right, special drinks are always in everyone’s hands.”
In an interview for a conservative radio show in Ohio, Trump surrogate Ben Carson declared that adding Ailes and Cosby to the campaign entourage was the “most historically significant event” in the history of American presidential politics.
“Never before have we seen such a logical teaming of great, principled men,” Carson told the show’s host, “and all three are tremendously successful at what they do. All of them have a shared, common bond, and histories that unite them in a way that frankly most of us might be horrified to share with them. But that’s what strength and leadership are about, really. Having the guts to stand tall, no matter how obnoxious, revolting, or depraved the public perceives you to be.”
Immediately after announcing that Ailes and Cosby would be joining them, over half of Trump’s female staff unexpectedly resigned. Mr. Trump would later tell reporters “we’ll have top shelf poonaroo to replace those bee-atches by noon.”
The Hillary Clinton campaign could not be reached for comment.
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.
