The RNC Will Officially Change Its Platform to Be Very, Very, Very, Very Soft on Crime

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“…you need to do what happens to my TOTALLY NORMAL AND ABOVE-AVERAGE LENGTH PEEN when I see someone who doesn’t look enough like my DARLING IVANKA, and make it soft.”

I just got forwarded a rather interesting email from an ex-president and recently convicted  felon Donald Trump to his daughter-in-law, Lara, who is running the Republican National Committee. I thought I’d pass the contents of that email along.

In the interest of accuracy, I’ve decided to just publish the entire contents of the email, without any redactions, edits, or corrections to the former reality-TV game show host’s spelling or grammar. In a nutshell, it would appear that after decades of claiming to be the party of “law and order” and accusing their political rivals of not being “tough on crime,” Donald has instructed Lara that the Republican Party’s official platform needs, as he put it, “a bigly-ass change.”

Dear Not-Ivanka-Law,

Someone just told me that the official platform of MY PARTY still indicates we are tough/hard on crime and criminals. After that asshole Alvin Bragg proved in court that I had a cauldron, broom stick, and book of spells which somehow to him means I’m a witch, we obliviously need to alter-ize the platform!

IT IS ITIME FOR A BIGLY-ASS CHANGE, NOT-IVANKA! I HOPE YOU UNDERSTAND HOW VERY SERIOUS I AM BEING RIGHT NOW WITH MY RETERICK!

As of this moment, I hereby order you, as your party’s dear leader and as your father-in-law, to IMMEDIATELY change the Republican Party platform’s so that it is no longer so hard on crime. Instead, you need to do what happens to my TOTALLY NORMAL AND ABOVE-AVERAGE LENGTH PEEN when I see someone who doesn’t look enough like my DARLING IVANKA, and make it soft. Very soft.

Very, very, very, very soft, actually.

I need the Republican platform to be so soft on crime, it’s against the rules to NOT be a convicted felon and run for president as our nominee. This will make sure that your husband, or that dumbfuck I never should have loaned my name to (WITHOUT INTEREST!!) could one day keep the royal throne in our family’s possession. Really, I’d like to have VANKY BABY, or the crotch-fruit I made with Melanie or whatever her name is, to be the one to get it, but if your dumbfuck husband or his dumbfuck brother get it, I guess that would be okay…just not as cool.

MAKE THESE CHANGES IMMEDIATELY OR SUFFER THE CONSEQWENCES!

Sincerely,

FOREVER PRESIDENT DON TRUMP


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