Wisconsin Legalizes Murder While White

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KENOSHA, WISCONSIN — Though it’s not how laws are traditionally written in the state, a jury in Wisconsin has made the act of committing murder legal. As long as, that is, the accused killer is white.

“What this verdict makes especially clear is that if you are white and armed, you are in the clear to use your gun to kill anyone. As long as you can make yourself cry on the stand, and somehow convince people your victims, which the judge won’t let prosecutors call them, naturally, were the ones in the wrong,” Prof. Larry Lipdick of the University of Cheddar Bay Law School told us this afternoon.

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“Oh, and provided you’re white, of course. That’s really the key takeaway in all of this.  Obviously, people of color would not enjoy this right. In fact, I would say that showing up to a protest in a town you don’t live in with a gun and brown skin is a good way to get yourself arrested, and probably killed by the police, who will naturally be acting out of an assumption that you’re a bad guy. If you’re not white, I mean.”

Lipdick made sure to note that, while this may sound like a radical new legal paradigm, it’s actually “quite common, historically speaking.”

“I mean, when you can point to a time in history where white folks didn’t get away with doing stuff a black person couldn’t even dream of doing without being murdered, let me know,” Lipdick chuckled.

“In a way, this kind of resets things back to their natural order. On some level, aren’t we all a little surprised when the least racist thing outcome, instead of the most racist one comes to fruition? It just feels more American when white people get freedoms people of color don’t, does it not?”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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