Rittenhouse Judge Asks Jury to End Deliberations So He and Kyle Can Attend Proud Boy Meeting

Published on

KENOSHA, WISCONSIN — Judge Bruce Schroeder and accused vigilante double-murderer Kyle Rittenhouse have a Proud Boy meeting to attend tonight, and so the jury needs to “wrap it up quick-like,” Schroeder told them today.

Jurors have been deliberating since yesterday in Rittenhouse’s case, attempting to return a verdict as to whether the two men he killed during a riot last year constitute murders. Judge Schroeder, who told prosecutors they couldn’t refer to the people Rittenhouse killed as “victims,” and cast doubts on whether zooming in a video alters it any fashion, told jurors before sending them off to start the second day of deliberations that they should “consider the defendant’s impending social schedule.”

Trump Jr. Not Invited to Thanksgiving With President or Man Who Thinks He’s Still President

“C’mon, guys! You and I both know where this thing is heading. You’re gonna acquit him, he’s gonna get a new AR-15 as a gift from the NRA, and then he and I are gonna go to the Proud Boy meeting tonight,” Schroeder said.

Schroeder indicated that if the jury doesn’t “speed this shit up pronto” he would be forced to resort to holding them in contempt. Sensing an objection from the prosecutors, Schroeder held up his hand and quickly amended his threat.

“That is, um, to say that I will hold any juror who is voting to convict Sweet Kyle in contempt, and issue a summary judgment and jail sentence. Minimum of 1488 days, GET IT KYLE, WINK WINK,” Judge Schroeder shouted while visibly winking.

Schroeder also indicated that he and Rittenhouse would be dining together after the Proud Boy meeting wrapped up.

“Mrs. Rittenhouse was generous enough to offer to take Kyle and me to Chick-Fil-A after the meeting, and then maybe we’ll all have a night cap or light a few crosses on fire, who knows? Sky’s the limit with me and my new bestie Kyle though!”

Op-Ed: “My Genitals Are Microscopic and It’s All George Soros’ Fault!”

Become a Patron!

Follow James on Instagram.
Subscribe to James’ Patreon for ad-free satire.


 

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

Latest articles

Jesus Told Me Only “Fascist Incel Dorks” Don’t Like Separation of Church and State

"We told them to pay Caesar what's due to Caesar for a reason. Me-stianity...

Once I Learned to Read, I Realized The Left Actually Can and Does Meme

The following editorial was written by right-wing commentator and Trump White House official Dustin...

God Told Me Oklahoma Kids Will Be ‘Stupid as Fuck’ After the Bible is Taught in Schools

"...do they really think it covers me in glory to have a bunch of...

Someone Accidentally Sent Me a Copy of The Biden/Trump Debate Questions

Don't ask me how it happened, but it would appear that someone at CNN...