Rittenhouse Fires Attorneys, Says Judge is Doing ‘Good Enough Job’ Without Them

Published on

KENOSHA, WISCONSIN — In a stunning turn of events, accused double murderer Kyle Rittenhouse has fired his defense attorneys, just hours before closing arguments were set to begin. In a written statement, Rittenhouse explained his reasoning.

“I would like to take this time to thank my legal team for all their efforts, hard work, and support. However, at this point in time, it’s pretty clear that Judge Schroeder can do a good enough job without them,” Rittenhouse wrote.

Warden Denies MTG Conjugal Visit With January 6th Attackers, Citing Illegality of Horse Fucking

Throughout the trial, Judge Bruce Schroeder has made rulings that seem to heavily favor Mr. Rittenhouse, such as not allowing prosecutors to refer to the people Rittenhouse killed as “victims” during the trial. On Wednesday, Schroeder exploded at the prosecution several times, claiming they were trampling on Rittenhouse’s Fifth Amendment rights to not incriminate himself, while under cross-examination. Rittenhouse wrote that yesterday’s events “sealed the deal” in his mind, and he knew he could fire his current team of lawyers without much risk.

“It’s weird, because I always thought judges were supposed to be fair and impartial, and this dude has been doing nothing but helping my case since the moment the trial began,” Rittenhouse explained.

“So after a few days of noticing that Judge Schroeder was clearly trying to tip the scales my way, I knew what to do. Again, this is not a statement in any way about how good a job the other guys were doing. It just seems wasteful to have so many people on the taxpayer’s dime helping me out. Two lawyers PLUS a judge just seems like overkill, if you ask me. And if anyone knows about overkill, it’s the guy who thought an AR-15 was standard issue medic gear.”

Judge Schroeder is expected to make closing arguments later today, or perhaps tomorrow.

Super Brave, Heavily Armed Patriot Too Cowardly to Shout ‘Fuck Joe Biden!’ at NASCAR Race

Become a Patron!

Follow James on Instagram.
Subscribe to James’ Patreon for ad-free satire.


Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

Latest articles

Donald Trump Finding Out

Well...shit. How did this end up happening, anyway? Doesn't everyone indicting him understand the rules have...

I Live in Arkansas. Can My 10 Year Old Work as a Bouncer at a Drag Bar?

I moved to Arkansas before I was a father, so I can't say that...

Jesus: “Silencing Transgender People Isn’t Christian, It’s Cunty”

"I specifically told people to stop being judgmental little twatwaffles to everyone." In Montana, elected...

A Complete List of All the 2024 Presidential Candidates Currently on Trial for Rape

In New York City, a former President of the United States is being sued...