COAL HOLE, PENNSYLVANIA — First responders and medical professionals in the Keystone State are reporting that one of their residents is recovering after being rushed to the hospital with dangerously high levels of froth.
“At approximately 3:42 this morning, High Priest Rick Santorum was brought to our facility, exhibiting signs of acute hyperfrothism,” Dr. Susan Susanovich of St. Mary of Fiction’s Regional Hospital told reporters. “At this time, our staff is working very diligently to stabilize his froth levels, which are quite frankly quite astronomical.”
Dr. Susanovich explained that Santorum suffers from a rare but deadly disease called hyperfrothism, which is when the body creates an over abundance of froth. The human body is only meant to be so frothy at any given time, and Dr. Susanovich says that Mr. Santorum is one of a handful of people living in America with the ailment that puts him at near constant risk of “foaming over,” as Susanovich said.
“Hyperfrothism is triggered when the patient is forced to confront the fact his or her dogmatic view of a subject isn’t the dominant societal view,” Susanovich said. “The anxiety of dealing with the fact that what you want may not be what the majority of people want causes the froth glands to kick into overdrive in patients with HF. Our best guess is that the March For Our Lives triggered one of Mr. Santorum’s largest froth attacks.”
This weekend, Santorum appeared on CNN and criticized the organizers and participants of the March For Our Lives, a worldwide protest of lax gun laws. The march was organized in part by the #NeverAgain movement, which was started by survivors of the Valentine’s Day massacre at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Florida. Throughout the weekend, conservative pundits lambasted the protests, insinuating that people were using their First Amendment rights to demand being stripped of their Second Amendment rights, however in numerous print and television interviews, the march’s organizers have repeatedly said their aim is better regulation, not prohibition or confiscation.
Santorum made waves and raised eyebrows when he suggested that instead of protesting, the kids from Marjory Stoneman should have taken CPR classes in the event of another shooting at their school.
“How about kids instead of looking to someone else to solve their problem, do something about maybe taking CPR classes or trying to deal with situations that when there is a violent shooter that you can actually respond to that,” Santorum said on CNN’s “State of the Union.” (CNN)
Making outlandish and heartless statements is an almost guaranteed way to cause over-frothing in patients with HF, Susanovich told reporters.
“So when Mr. Santorum suggested that it’d be better for students to learn how to administer CPR to someone who just had their guts blown out and shredded by a tumbling bullet fired from a semi-automatic rifle, that sent his frothing glands into an activity level we have frankly never, ever seen before,” Susanovich explained.
Fortunately for Santorum, Dr. Susanovich says that the danger posed by HF is to everyone else in the world, not to Santorum himself.
“At this point his froth is certainly toxic, but not to himself,” Susanovich said. “It’s everyone else that has to listen to the froth. It’s the people who will be killed by more and more rounds shot by more and more people who never should have had a gun in the first place. Mr. Santorum’s froth helps create a din of noise around the gun regulation debate that helps distract people of a certain political ideological bent, and the simple truth is that people like him help more Americans to an early grave than they’d ever care to admit.”
Santorum is expected to make a full recovery.
“We’re giving Mr. Santorum an emergency transfusion of thoughts and prayers. He’ll be back on TV pretending America would be better off living under the social mores and laws of the 1930’s soon enough,” Dr. Susanovich said. “Sorry, everyone.”
This story is developing.
James‘ satire can also be read on Alternative Facts, The Pastiche Post, and Alternative Science.
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