7 Out of 10 Republicans Want to Give Monarchy a Try Instead

Published on

During a press conference today, Jenelle Beenflik discussed the results of a new opinion poll conducted by We Poll You So Hard in cooperation with NPR. Beenflik, We Poll You’s deputy assistant media coordinator, described the survey as the “most informative look inside the MAGA mind” acquired to date.

“The overwhelming majority of people who identified as Republicans and answered our questions told us that they would trade America’s democracy for another four years of Donald Trump as president,” Beenflik said. “70% of them, to be exact. When we asked if it meant that he’d have to called ‘King Trump’ were he to be given his powers back, all of them said that would not give them any hesitation whatsoever.”

Can You Identify What’s “Communism” and What’s an “Average Social Program in the 21st Century?”

Of the 70% of Republicans who said they were more inclined to enjoy monarchy instead of democracy, nearly 95% are against any Critical Race Theory discussions in classrooms, and also think that athletes who kneel during the national anthem should be “shot immediately.”

“We have seen answers like those on previous polls that we conducted over the last four or five years,” Beenflik said, “but now they all make a lot more sense. If someone doesn’t even want to live in a democracy anymore, it would only be logical for them to say things that don’t in any way align with democratic values. I guess you could say it’s almost a relief to finally be able to put so many of our questions about those results to bed.”

MAGA Hat or Super Glue? The Best Way to Seal Up a Vagina.

Become a Patron!

Follow James on Instagram.
Subscribe to James’ Patreon for ad-free satire.


Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

Latest articles

I Asked a Klansman If He’s Voting For Biden Since They’re Both Democrats. He Punched Me.

"Man, it's really true what they say about Democrats. They're snowflakes." We all know a...

For Conservatives, Fart Naps Are Quickly Replacing Power Naps

"While some might casually observe the irony in someone who belittles his opponent as...

Surely, We Don’t Expect Republicans to Suck Their Cult Leader Off All The Way from D.C.?

"Does anyone know how hard it is to have a long-distance relationship, much less...

A Firehose That Spews Diarrhea Told Me It’s Been Holding Mock Debates With Joe Biden

"...I'm not Harvey Keitel or Bobby DeNiro or anything, but I guess all that...