Republican Religious Zealot Not Sure How to Feel About ‘Anchor Fetuses’

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SPLINTER, OKLAHOMA — Abby Dotson was at the Planned Parenthood location just a few miles from her Splinter, Oklahoma home this past Sunday. Dotson was one of thousands of Americans who rallied at their nearest Planned Parenthood center in protest of what they feel is the non-profit women’s health group’s sale of aborted fetal tissue.  Their ire has been raised in the past few weeks by a series of severely edited and context-stripped videos put out by conservative anti-abortion group Center For Medical Progress. Five states have already investigated and cleared Planned Parenthood of any wrongdoing, but that hasn’t stopped CMP and its followers from ramping up their demands that Congress de-fund the group.

A Republican, Dotson told The Political Garbage Chute she was there “to let God know I am on His side, because I am sure that God has nothing better to do than to worry about the millions of fetuses in the first trimester that have a 50/50 chance of terminating on their own anyway via miscarriage.” Dotson told our reporter that she “doesn’t care that the context was taken out of the videos and that creepy music was added” because she “can’t stand the thought of innocent babies being harmed in any way.”

When asked if her defense of innocent babies would mean she was against the deportation of children born in the U.S. to undocumented workers, Dotson did not answer right away. Conservative media circles have a pejorative term — anchor babies — for such people. They are so called because in conservative thinking, their mothers sneak across the border specifically to have their baby be born in the U.S., gaining birthright citizenship and therefore “anchoring” the whole family to the United States of America, where they can begin taking federal benefits “by the truckload,” Dotson told us.

“I am honestly not sure how I feel about anchor fetuses,” Ms. Dotson told us while adding, “because on the one hand fetuses are babies and babies are life and life is so precious it means we have to stop caring about the mother’s life to only care about the microscopic, still developing life form inside of her. But on the other hand, anchor fetuses are going to be probably be Mexican or foreign, and as a conservative, Christian American, I want the people who came here and broke immigration laws — which aren’t even felonies — thrown out of the country for good, no matter how much better they were trying to make the lives of the precious little anchor fetuses inside of them.”

Dotson said the “last thing [she wants] to do is make it so the Democrats can win more elections” and that’s why she “support[s] voter ID laws” and “the tightest immigration controls possible, including building the fence that Trump wants.” She told us that even though she learned in Sunday School that Jesus loves the little children of the world that “the lyrics of that song only talk about red, yellow, black, and white kids, and brown isn’t mentioned at all” so in her mind “that means Jesus was at best on the fence about anchor babies, which are all from Mexico because despite what the statistics clearly show, obviously a huge flood of Mexicans comes over the border every day, probably millions and billions of them, I bet but have no evidence for yet I’ll still hold onto as utter truth because Rush Limbaugh mentioned it once on his show.”

Ms. Dotson told our reporter that she is “really torn” between “wanting that dirty, law breaking immigrant thrown out of my America” and “saving and protecting that sweet, sweet, blastocyst inside her.” After a few moments of thought, she said she would support “putting the Anchor Mother in a special camp for other Anchor Mothers where they can be kept in one place, you know, concentrated in one area.” Her proposed pregnancy camps would “let the illegals have their babies, and then we’d put them in a big pneumatic tube we put in the pregnancy camps, and they’re blasted off back to Mexico where all illegals come from.”

“Just find them, round them up, put them in chains, throw them onto trains, and whisk them away to the camps. It’s not that hard,” Dotson said, “and I think it’s a pretty unique solution to a problem. Then once the babies are born, we put them in that trebuchet thing that Cruz wants built, and we fling them both — mother and anchor baby — back over the border, in the name of American freedom of course.”

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