Rep. Trey Gowdy To Move Benghazi Hearings to Salem

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — Earlier this week Rep. Trey Gowdy (R-SC) made headlines when he decided that a new interrogative tactic would be used on former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton the next time she testifies before Gowdy’s select congressional committee on Benghazi — binding Ms. Clinton’s legs and arms and submerging her in the Potomac River to see if she floats. Now sources close to the South Carolina Republican say he is planning on another unprecedented move — a change of venue for the rest of the hearings.

“Representative Gowdy will be asking Speaker Boehner for permission to move the Benghazi hearings out of the capitol building and to a courthouse in historic Salem, Massachusetts,” one Hill staffer told the media in an email this morning, adding that Gowdy “hopes getting the hearing out of Washington” will allow for less partisanship. “While he still is dedicated to doggedly finding the truth that we believe to be true, regardless of the facts presented to us ad nauseum, Representative Gowdy also understands that sometimes everyone just needs a little change of pace, and Salem is just beautiful this time of year.”

The change of venue will also reportedly bring with it a few procedural changes. “For starters, we will be feeling her skin to see if it’s as cold as the Devil’s heart,” the email explained. It went on to say that Clinton will be asked to stand at the front of the courtroom while several witnesses accuse her of using her dark ways to influence the outcome of the Benghazi incident. “We are fervent believers that there has always been more to this story, and we will continue to do everything we can to find out just what that is, even if we have to fabricate some or all of it.”

“If there is one thing I don’t want this to become is a circus,” Gowdy insisted, “because up to this point everything we’ve done in terms of this investigation has been done with the utmost professionalism and decorum, because Congressman Issa is clearly one of the most honest and upstanding people in Congress, just ask anyone who ever owned a warehouse he was affiliated with.”

Gowdy told the press he will “ensure that the hearings we conduct in Salem will not simply be more political grandstanding.” He said that “the time for making speeches is over” and that “it’s time to find out just much evil sorcery — I mean Democratic ineptitude — was at play that day.” When reporters asked Gowdy what made him decide to choose Salem for the change of venue, Gowdy smiled.

“Salem represents the exact kind of trial we have been wanting to conduct since this attack took place,” Gowdy said. “Salem represents what happens when you give over to ideological pursuits instead of actual investigation,” Gowdy said, continuing, “and it is a shining beacon of how much you can accomplish when you eschew facts in favor of emotional rhetoric.” Gowdy also said, “Maybe we’re looking to see if her email was enchanted, maybe we’re trying to ascertain if she appeared magically in front of the Joint Chiefs and told them to order a stand down or she’d turn them all into newts. We don’t know yet, but we will know more as we interrogate — er I mean — ask her questions gently.”

Reached for comment, Speaker Boehner told reporters, “I don’t care. He can do whatever he wants. I’m over it.”

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