Rep. Dana Rohrabacher: “Earth’s Round Shape Totally Bogus”

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Speaking at a local Town Hall recently, Rep. Dana Rohrabacher made a splash when told the audience there, “Just so you’ll know, global warming is a total fraud and it’s being designed because what you’ve got is you’ve got liberals who get elected at the local level want state government to do the work and let them make the decisions. Then, at the state level, they want the federal government to do it. And at the federal government, they want to create global government to control all of our lives.”

Finally a Republican has the guts to say what we’ve all been thinking — the mountains of climate science as well as the very obvious anecdotal evidence of out of control wildfire and “historical” level tropical storms happening at least two or three times a year now — are just more liberal big government conspiracies! Forget that we can literally observe our own climate changing. Forget that we can just look at historical climate and temperature patterns over the last hundred years and easily identify alarming trends. Forget even that the polar ice caps are melting at such as a rate as to start impacting the feeding habits of polar bears. It’s all bullshit, and finally Rep. Dana Rohrabacher has the guts to tell us all to ignore our own eyes and ears and just listen to his words. Because he is speaking the truth, and actual scientists are clearly making stuff up.

But if you thought Rohrabacher — who is a member of the House Science Committee — was brave to call global warming the liberal conspiracy that it obviously it is, then you’re going to love what he said when the cameras turned off. “It’s not just global warming that’s total lies by the way, Earth’s round shape? Totally bogus, too,” Rohrabacher said after requesting all recording devices be turned off. Luckily for us, the Chute had someone embedded in the town hall meeting and she kept her pocket recorder going the whole time.

“You see, John F. Kennedy was a democrat. A liberal Democrat at that. His whole “race to the moon” program was just a thinly-veiled attempt by the government to continue the false narrative that the Earth is round.” Rohrbacher then produced a large, flat map of the earth. “You see? We’ve known it forever and ever! Why would cartographers lie about the shape of the Earth? It’s right here, in front of us! The Earth is very clearly a two-dimensional, flat plane. But it doesn’t fit the liberal agenda for there to be actual boundaries on anything, much less the Earth’s land and sea lines, so they all got together a few centuries ago at Barack Obama’s house — he was alive back then because as we all know he’s an evil Communist Kenyan cyborg from the future sent here from George Soros’ clone to kill us all — and they decided to make the Earth round to fit their narrative that there are endless possibilities for everyone and no one should be afraid to challenge the established paradigms of the time.”

The spittle really started to fly at that point as Rohrbacher continued on, “And another thing, everyone keeps telling me the moon is not made of cheese. I call “bullshit” on that. Why? Because I can see the holes on the moon from here. You know what else has holes? Swiss cheese. Ergo: the moon is made of Swiss cheese.” Rohrabacher at that point must have just been “feeling it” because he then uncorked a series of revelations about society as we know it, and it was quite the spectacle to see.

“Taco Bell? That’s actually a fine dining establishment. Wal-Mart is perfect for the middle class because who else can give someone the six jobs they’ll need to make ends meet these days than Wal-Mart? Darth Vader was most definitely not Luke’s father — it was Obi-Wan all along and that’s why Anakin got pissed and tried to kill them both.” At this point, Rohrabacher’s nose started bleeding and smoke was coming out of his ears, but he kept right on going. “The sky is most definitely not blue. It’s blood red, but a liberal conspiracy to make everyone subliminally a blue state thinker is projecting an image of blue over the red. Also, eating cat food can cure AIDS.”

We’re still working on fact-checking everything Rep. Rohrabacher said, but we have no reason to believe that we’ll find very many factual errors with his statements since the first one he made — that global warming is a total fraud and that there is no actual evidence of it — is so obviously based in reality. Oh, not any reality that you, nor I, nor anyone who isn’t completely strung out on meth and freebasing Tang would recognize. But we never said we’d fact-check his statements against the reality that we all know, so we’re sure in Dana Rohrabacher’s scientifically ignorant brain he believes every single word he said is true.

And why shouldn’t we trust Rohrabacher on scientific matters? He’s a life-long politician who has never spent a day in his life doing one bit of scientific research, unless you count dissecting frogs in biology class. Of course he’s totally qualified to tell us what peer-reviewed and accredited scientific study is bogus…he’s a bureaucrat, and no one is more qualified to interpret scientific data than an elected official with a political agenda.

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