LAKE GENESIS, WISCONSIN — Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus told reporters Monday morning that he is “absolutely elated” that most of the 2016 presidential candidates for his party have “come out and decisively stood for the rock-ribbed American value of xenophobia and paranoia about people who look and talk differently.”
Priebus was addressing some criticism that the GOP’s candidates have gotten for their reactions to the horrific tragedy that unfolded in Paris, France last week. The reactions from Republican candidates mostly dealt with criticizing President Barack Obama for not specifically calling the attacks an act of “Islamist terrorism” and most of them called for closing the country’s borders, especially to any Syrian refugees that states and local municipalities may have decided to bring in before the deadly attacks in France. Many critics of the Republicans’ rhetoric have pointed to the fact that there are millions and millions more peaceful, moderate, non-violent people of the Islamic faith than there are those who carry out terror attacks.
“Yeah, sure,” Priebus told reporters during the press conference, “you can say that we’re lumping people together unfairly, but generalizing about a group of people is just what we conservative Americans do. It’s like how we know that most people on welfare are cheating the system, and that everyone in government — except for Republicans — are anti-American libtard communists.” Priebus told the media that he “isn’t afraid to generalize about Muslims” because his base “knows the truth that the only religion you can’t generalize about is good, old fashioned American Christianity.”
During the press conference, Priebus was asked about two candidates’ comments in particular — Senator Ted Cruz and billionaire mogul Donald Trump. Both men are rising in the polls lately, and both men have had openly and stridently militaristic and anti-Islamic reactions to the Paris attacks. Cruz intimated that the U.S. should step up bombing raids on ISIS targets and have “more tolerance for civilian casualties.” Trump told MSNBC host Joe Scarborough that he would consider closing down mosques in the United States in response to a terror attack.
“Look, Donald is speaking to a reality we all need to face,” Priebus told the press, “and that’s the fact that the Constitution’s promise of freedom of religion should only extend to Christians since Christians are peace-loving, non-judgmental people. Just as the KKK and the Westboro Baptist Church.” Mr. Priebus insisted that closing down the borders to only Islamic people isn’t a perversion of the very first amendment in the Constitution, but rather “prudent and sound leadership in a time of great crisis.”
“Hey, there wasn’t any room at the inn on Christmas Eve,” Priebus said, “and that all turned out just fine, so why are these Syrian refugees complaining?” As for Cruz’s comments, Priebus said that “Republicans have long known that the only way to achieve peace and stability is to bomb people into the Stone Age.” He said that the proof of Republican foreign policy prowess is in Iraq. “When we were in charge, sure we were blowing trillions of dollars on an unjust, illegal war built on lies, but did you have ISIS yet? No. You didn’t. Sure, you had the remnants of Al Qaeda that became ISIS, but you know, isn’t that really all Obama’s fault even though he wasn’t in office yet, I mean really,” Priebus asked rhetorically.
As the press conference was ending, Priebus reiterated his defense of Trump and Cruz saying, “Ted and Donald are speaking to a very real truth — that hating all Muslims is the only path to peace. Hating all Muslims is clearly the most grown-up and productive way to target your understandable outrage at a much, much, much smaller subset of the whole of the world’s Islamic community. After all, you know how much we American Republican Christians just love being blamed for every single abortion clinic or Federal building in Oklahoma that’s bombed, right? So the same shit applies here, obviously. All Muslims are untrustworthy because a handful of them committed heinous acts, just like all Christians are terrible human beings because of what Timothy McVeigh did. Get it? Got it? Good.”
