Rand Paul: ‘Universal Health Care Means Doctors Are Well-Paid Slaves!’

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TOUCH STONE, NEW HAMPSHIRE — Kentucky Senator Rand Paul (R) is not a fan of universal health care.

In 2011, speaking at Senate committee hearing, Paul famously compared the idea of a nationally paid for health care system to slavery. Paul said that the time that one who believes in health care being a human right means that they also “believe in slavery.” He went on to say that supporting universal health care “means that you’re going to enslave not only me, but the janitor at my hospital, the person who cleans my office, the assistants who work in my office, the nurses.”

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This week, Paul reaffirmed his position against universal health care.

“I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again,” Dr. Paul — a self-certified ophthalmologist  — began, “if you want to tell me that health care is a human right, then I’m going to call you the slaver that you are. Because if you believe in universal health care, you clearly are okay with me, and every other doctor becoming a slave to the state!”

Reporters asked Paul how he could possibly compare slavery — a system of economics wherein certain human beings are treated literally as property and are not paid a dime for their labor — to universal health care where the only difference is where the payment check comes from.

“I’ll tell you how I can make that comparison. I’m a Republican,” said Paul. “We compare everything that can be remotely considered inconvenient or offends our sensibilities to slavery. And we like to toss around Nazi references — like when gun laws get brought up for debate. Oh, and if we can imply that gay buttsex is somehow a cause of all the ails of society — along with not having a father in your home — then we’re good that way too. I don’t have to live in a world of reality or even logical talking points. I just have to scare monger the living shit out of my constituents, duh dude.”

One reporter asked Rand if he thinks that treating someone’s personal medical care strictly as a profit center squares with the Hippocratic Oath that he himself swore to. “Man, you know what,” asked Paul of the reporter, “fuck the Hippocratic Oath and I’ll tell you why — it’s liberal hogwash.” Paul took a breath then continued. “There should be no barriers to greed because greed, for lack of a better word, is pretty kick-ass to me. Greed fuels us. Greed gets us going in the morning. Greed makes me so hard! So if we stop encouraging human being to give over to their more selfish tendencies, what will be the consequence of not considering money more important than humans? I don’t think I want to live in that America, and I know that the God-fearing, ammo-hoarding patriots of this great land don’t want to either!”

“I’m not heartless,” Paul said when it appeared that some in the crowd were turned-off by his effusive pontificating about money, “I want people to get medical care. I just want them to have to pay for it, like we have to pay for everything we need. That’s the way God wanted it. Hell, if I could figure out how to get a way to privatize our air supply, guess what? You’d all have to carry a roll of quarters in your pocket for when you wanted to grab a breath of fresh air.”

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When reporters didn’t want to let Paul go without more specifically addressing the comparison of universal health care to slavery and what his opinion was on European systems that are so modern people can opt in on sites like www.applyforehic.com from the comfort of home , Paul snapped at the reporters. “Look, I see what you’re trying to do, okay? I get it, okay? Slaves weren’t paid. They were beaten. They were torn away from their mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, sons and daughters. They were treated like objects. They were dehumanized on such a level that even though my side won’t ever agree to this, we have not fully atoned for nor addressed the issues that are still present because of that abusive way we treated them.

And yes, doctors are generally well-paid, highly respected people who are never trated like someone’s personal property. So is the analogy apt? Of course it is. Because I say it is. And because there are people so infantile, and so selfish as to truly believe the trope that ‘all taxes are theft’ and therefore, they’ll believe that doctors will truly go poor and more people will die because people will choose not to be doctors if they are getting paid by a government instead of an insurance company, or God forbid, both. 

So fuck your ‘gotcha questions,’ man. I’m Randy Paul. I. Do. What. I. Want. Because freedom and liberty, bitches. So yes, doctors would be slaves, up would be down, and the Star Wars prequels would be good films if we had universal health care. Randy Pizzaul, OUT!”

Then he dropped the microphone and ran away from the reporters as fast as his little, cloven feet could carry him.

Follow us on Twitter @PolitiGarbage.

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