Local Idiots Demand Right to Die for Retail Commerce

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DUMBERG, OHIO — The village idiots of a town in Ohio stormed their town’s retail centers, demanding that they be allowed to shop in the city’s various stores. Since the outbreak of COVID-19, the citizens in the town that the idiots reside in have been under orders to “shelter in place” and practice “social distancing.” While data released by the city council indicates that the measures are working to greatly reduce the rate of infections within city limits, the gaggle of protesting morons pressing their gravy-speckled faces against the windows of shops and stores around town weren’t interested in hearing about them.

“Flatten the curve? Why flatten the curve at the expense of Fortune 500 CEO bonuses,” one protester shouted at our reporter. “We demand these stores open right now! It’s our God given, Constitutional right to sacrifice our lives, if profit margins are at stake. And between the tyranny of health professionals trying to save lives, and politicians trying to allegedly, so-called care for their constituents, I’m sorry but it feels like a full-blown commie dictatorship right now!”

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For many, it seemed like there might have been some political motivation behind their protests. Some cited the urgency that some in the federal government have put on getting the economy “opened back up” as the reason they were protesting. Others said they were “tired of the nanny state with all its compassion and community concern.” Still others, though, simply missed the feeling of shopping for whatever they want, whenever they want, and no amount of statistics or education could dissuade them from demanding retailers open their doors back up.

“Oh, so a few thousand more people might get infected, and that could end up killing thousands more? Who cares,” asked another angry would-be shopper who was literally foaming at her mouth, “Some of us need our retail therapy. Some of us need that feeling of swiping our cards and getting a receipt from a minimum wage worker! So you tell those minimum wage workers to put on their big boy and big girl pants, and come open up so that I can risk my life for the sake of capitalism, goddamn it!”

Mack Malloy, one of the most vocal and angry protesters, said that the country will “become a communist shit box” soon if the economy doesn’t open back up.

“Have you seen the videos of all the empty shelves and bread lines in socialist countries,” Mack asked rhetorically. “That could be us if we’re not careful! Wait. Shit. Hold up. Now that I think about it, those bread lines and empty shelves were in American stores, and now…well, hell now I’m confused.”

Many states have extended their lockdown orders through at least May 1st, with several already pushing their shelter in place orders beyond that date. So far, thousands of Americans have been diagnosed with a coronavirus infection, and roughly 1.5-2% of them have died as a result of complications from the disease. Many economists believe it will be a long climb out of the recession that will result from large portions of the country’s economy being shut down. Health officials have said, however, that left unmitigated, millions could have died as the healthcare system in the country was overwhelmed with patients.

“My question is how many people will we save and what cost? Isn’t it better to lose a few hundred thousand people, who were gonna die anyway,” Mack suggested, “then to be stuck at home, not able to go to WalMart? I’m sorry, I just feel like it’s asking too much of us to sacrifice a little bit of commercial activity for a few months just to save some people’s lives.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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