IDIOTSBERG, TENNESSEE — Sam Bedford has been what he calls a “rock-ribbed, dyed-in-the-wool, Constitutional pro-life conservative Republican” his entire life. Bedford’s mom and dad are Republicans, though his maternal grandparents were both Democrats of the FDR vintage. However, for his entire life, Sam says he has “worked tirelessly” to overturn the landmark Roe Vs. Wade Supreme Court decision that legalized abortion nationwide.
“Even before I was a daddy myself, I was very pro-life. I just knew that women are too emotionally driven to handle tough decisions that involve their own genitals,” Sam told us in a Skype interview two weeks ago. “I just think, and maybe this is where me and some godless, amoral libtards would disagree, that protecting the sanctity of ALL life is more important than literally everything else, ever.”
Mr. Bedford has not taken any of the three currently approved COVID-19 vaccinations. He also says that he will no longer comply with any mask mandates — from government agencies or private businesses he patronizes. This, despite the fact that COVID cases are surging in his state thanks to the delta variant’s mutated ability to transmit itself more easily between hosts and the low rates of vaccination in his area.
Bedford brushed away questions about how his pro-life views on abortion comport with his decision to refuse to take life-saving measures for the sake of himself, or his community.
“First of off — it’s MY choice okay? This is America. If I want to use my freedom to make extremely selfish decisions that seem to fly in the face of everything I pretend to believe, it’s MY choice,” Bedford nearly shouted at our reporter. “I’m sick and tired of tyrannical liberals politely asking me to get vaccinated for my own good! I’m done with masks. The next time I put cloth over my face it’s gonna be my klan hood and that’s it!”
UPDATE: Sam Bedford is currently fighting for his life, on a ventilator at St. Stupid’s Hospital for the Idiotic.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.