President Trump Orders Dictionary to Change “Checks and Balances” to “Presidential Harassment”

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — A furious President Donald Trump angrily assembled members of the press in the Oval Office late this afternoon to witness the signing of a new exective order.

“It’s come to my attention that some people in my country are having a hard time understanding the rules now that Bob Mueller’s illegal 25,000 Angry Democrat witch hunt attempted coup has exonerated me and left me in office,” Trump shouted at reporters, even though there were working microphones picking up the sound. “That’s going to change right here, and right now.”

This development came just hours after Trump unleashed a flurry of tweets on Twitter, a couple of which were directly related to impeachment. Since the redacted Mueller Report’s release, a growing chorus of Democrats, and even some longtime Republicans, calling for impeachment proceedings to begin, has risen steadily. Trump lashed out at the thought, and even said he’d bring his case to the Supreme Court first, which is not possible, and the last time the Supreme Court weighed in on the issue in the 1990’s, it unanimously decided that Congress has the sole power over impeachment.

President Trump announced, as his hand flew across a formal declaration, signing it in orange crayon, that he was “declaring it totally and completely bigly ill-iggle” to use a phrase most Americans learn in elementary school social studies class.

“You can no longer say the words ‘checks and balances’ together, and you have to call it what it really is,” Trump said angrily, “and that is, ‘Presidential Harassment.'”

During the signing ceremony, Trump lashed out at Democrats.

“They don’t have the right to investigate me! What do they think they are, my equals? I don’t think so,” Trump said. “Congress is not my EQUAL! Who the hell said they were?”

Trump was handed a pocket Constitution and shown the separation of powers within it. Without a word, he took it and tossed it into a large shredder marked “Mueller Stuff” on one side of the Oval Office. Trump then also lashed out at the Founders.

“Who the fuck would write a document that didn’t give supreme power to just one person and one person only? I mean, have they not seen Game of Thrones,” Trump shouted. “Kings are dope AF!”

The president saved his most stinging rebuke for “the word nerds who make the dictionaries,” though. As part of the executive order, all publishers of dictionaries have twenty-four hours to officially change the definition of “checks and balances” to “presidential harassment,” or Trump says there will be consequences.


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“I hereby demand and order, using all the weight and power of my office, that the word nerds who make the dictionaries forever and completely change the definition of the term ‘checks and balances’ to ‘presidential harassment,'” Trump shouted even though there were microphones picking up his voice in the small room. “Or I will take this to the Supreme Court, and they will order every single copy of every single dictionary burned! And if you think that sounds crazy, like something they wouldn’t even do, WELCOME TO MY AMERICA, FAM!”

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) said she is “of course outraged and gravely concerned” at this development.

“This is yet again another unconstitutional power grab by a dangerously ignorant and self-serving man,” Pelosi said. “I only wish the founders had given us some tool by which to hold a president accountable when we were given a 400 page roadmap on how to remove him.”

Pelosi said as much as she’s “dismayed and concerned” by Trump’s actions, she’s not sure she’ll do much of anything about it.

“Do my Constitutional duty and open up impeachment hearings? What do you want me to do, accidentally be courageous and inspire voters to support our party right before a mid-term election,” Pelosi asked incredulously. “No, thank you. I’m an elected politician who has been in power for long enough to just, frankly, know more and be smarter than the people electing me. We’ll wait this out. I’m sure Trump will start behaving on his own if we wag our fingers and cluck our tongues hard enough.”

This story is developing.


Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.

James’ newest satirical compilation is out now and available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and soon at WalMart.com.

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