WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump is, according to one senior staffer, “anxious, nervous, and excited” about his big 4th of July celebration, set to kick off in just hours. However, sources are also saying that Mr. Trump is really hoping that Americans all over the country understand and appreciate what it is they’re about to see.
“They better all appreciate how hard sucking your own dick is,” Trump reportedly told his team this morning as he dunked a doughnut into a giant tankard of Orange Tang. “It’s, like, easily the hardest thing I’ve done. I’ve been having Ivanka tutor on it the last couple weeks. When it comes to me and oral, there is literally no one with more knowledge than my beautiful daughter, IVANKA.”
But even the president’s First Daughter Lady wasn’t able to get Trump to the point that he felt completely comfortable with what he was going to do later.
“Ivanka told me it’s going to be way harder to do with all those people watching,” Trump admitted, “and in front of all those tanks. I don’t want to get performance anxiety and be unable to, you know, perform. So hopefully, when the big moment comes, and the band is playing, and the tanks are rolling in…I will be fully turgid and ready for the main event.”
President Trump plans to fellate himself for “a good ten minutes to four hours, depending on if the adderall and Viagra are playing nicely together.”
“Sometimes, when I’m hopped up on both, I can’t really focus or concentrate,” Trump said. “Which of course is very different from all the other times that I seem so focused and clear headed.”
Trump wants “every American, even the libtarded cucky ones” that didn’t vote for him to fully appreciate his hard work, sources say. It’s important to him that people understand the effort he’s put into inserting his own phallus into his own mouth. It’s a feat, the administration argues, no other president in history could have or would have attempted.
“Not even Honest Abe could do it,” Trump was overheard telling Kellyanne Conway. “And I do it almost every day, Kellyanne! When are those loser-ass-bitches — er, I mean, my fellow Americans — going to give me credit for sucking my own dick, Kellyanne?!”
The White House had several doctors confirm that the president’s mouth has sufficient space for his genitals.
“Oh, there were absolutely no worries there. It’d be like worrying whether or not a book of matches fits on a single shelf in the Library of Congress,” one source close to the president whose name rhymes with Shmashmanka told us. “Because he has a small penis, is what I’m getting at, in case you were wondering.”
Should there be “technical difficulties” that prevent him from completing his self-sucking, President Trump has a backup plan.
“If for some reason I can’t get it up, I’ll just do it to Kim Jong-Un and Vlad Putin instead, but since I’ve already knobbed them off in public, I’m hoping I get to do something new,” Trump said, “not that I haven’t tried many, many, many times in my life to suck my own dick. Some might say that’s what my whole entire public life has been — one, long, neverending attempt to put my own penis in my mouth.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”
