WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a special ceremony held in the White House Rose Garden, Co-President Donald J. Trump took time to honor International Women’s Day. Trump gave a short speech in which he proclaimed “Dames Day” as being “pretty fuckin’ cool” and he concluded the festivities by ceremoniously grabbing three different women by their genitalia.
“It’s with great pride and honor that I mark this day,” Trump said, “International Dames Day, with this ceremony. I have always loved the ladies, whether it’s the ones I sexually assault, the ones I pay for sex and golden shower shows with, or the ones I pay for sex with this thing called a ‘marriage,’ I love the bitches, and I think it’s safe to say the bitches really do love me.”
Mr. Trump explained that “no one likes broads” like he does. He said that when it comes to “the ladies” he’s their “biggest fan” and no one has done more to champion their causes than he has.
“I’ve run entire pageants,” Trump said, “just so that the world, in fact the whole universe, really, can oggle — excuse me — admire and honor the female figure. I mean, who else has done more for the cause of women besides Donny Trump? No one. That’s the answer you’re required to give me as your president, abso-friggin’-lutely no one!”
During the ceremony, which was only attended by the women whose genitalia Trump grabbed, the co-president made what he called a “special announcement that pertains to women.”
“This year, my Vice-President will start a new task force,” Trump said, “and that task force will be given the assignment of figuring out just how much control over her own uterus an American woman really needs. We’ve heard them for years tell us they need full control over their own bodies, but that seems like liberal hogwash to me.”
The co-president took time during the ceremony to also honor one female in his life that he said “is always right there by [his] side” and that he “can’t wait to snuggle up to every night.”
“Ivanka,” Trump said, “my darling, sexy as fuck Ivanka. I just want to give her a big shout out today, because she’s my favorite woman out of every woman on the planet.”
Once his speech was wrapped-up, Trump called over the women who had been standing next to him. Ann Coulter, Laura Ingraham, and Blaze host Tammy Lahren, wearing red “Make America Great Hats” and “Trump Ass Bitch” t-shirts strode up to the podium. With “Hail to the Chief” blaring, Trump walked up to each woman, and one by one he’d reach his left hand behind their head, tap it, and then when they turned around, he’d perform his signature pussy grab, which was the first time the whole country got a look at the maneuver since it was discovered Trump could perform it during last year’s election.
After the ceremony, Lahren said she was “greatly honored” and that she isn’t a “libtarded snowflake” she understands “being a victim of a sexual assault is your patriotic duty when a strong, bold, decisive man is in office.” Ingraham said she was just happy to have not been ignored in favor of Coulter or Lahren like always. Ms. Coulter told reporters she had been there just to visit her Vampire Nazi boyfriend, Senior Policy Adviser Stephen Miller, but that she’d sign up for a Trump pussy grab “any time of the week.”
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.
