“…a guy who writes for The Babylon Bee told me this is funny, right before I gave him a million bucks, so I know this is EPIC COMEDY LOLZ.” – President Elon Musk
Applying for a job or a loan soon? Will you be needing to check the IRS website for the status of your tax refund in the coming weeks? Then you’re going to want to pay extra-close attention to this story.
Though since its inception, every United States citizen has been issued their own, unique nine digit numerical identification number, thanks to a new presidential decree, now every American shares the same identical Social Security number. Go ahead and grab a pen and paper to write down your new number if you’d like. Though, in all reality you can just ask your spouse, kids, boss, friends, neighbors, your barber, your lawyer, your boss’s boss you loves watching “Who’s the Boss” and binging Bob Ross, your preacher, your third grade teacher, and anyone else you encounter on the street, literally.
From this point forward, every American’s new Social Security number is: 69-X-DOGE-LOL
In a post to X, the president’s own, state-run social media and Nazi site, President Musk explained why the change was called for.
“None of you parasites are going to get Social Security anymore anyway, for starters,” Musk wrote, “but more to the point, a guy who writes for The Babylon Bee told me this is funny, right before I gave him a million bucks, so I know this is EPIC COMEDY LOLZ.”
Musk followed his announcement up with a six-word reply.
“MY HEART GOES OUT TO ME!”
Rep. Tom Thompaulsen (R) told us that he thinks Musk will “go down in history as the greatest führer America has ever known” because of his efforts to “streamline our economy right into the billionaire class’s assholes and bank accounts.”
“Honestly, this country was always about keeping rich white men rich and white, and in power, so there’s a reason that so many of us on the right are giddy to see him in action,” Thompaulsen said via Skype. “It just brings a damn tear to my eye — IN A NON-GAY WAY — to see us return to our real American roots.”
Democratic congressman Jared Nepobebe of California lambasted Musk and said it was “high-time” for his party to “step-up [their] game.”
“I mean…maybe it’s time for a sternly-worded letter? I don’t know. I’m not sure. I can’t tell. I’m undecided. I’m torn. I’m stuck between a yes and a no and a maybe,” Rep. Nepobebe explained. “What I do know for sure is that we’ve tried our utmost Fuck-All, and it’s, I think, come really close to looking like doing something, which is what our voters want most, I think. I would need to see some polling data to be sure.”
Got about twenty more minutes to burn? Of course you do.
