Penn State Inducts Rep. Jim Jordan Into Wrestling Hall of Fame

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STATE COLLEGE, PENNSYLVANIA — The Pennsylvania State University athletics department has announced its 2018 inductees into their wrestling program’s hall of fame, and Congressman Jim Jordan is among those on the list, even though he didn’t actually wrestle or coach at the college.

“Sure it’s weird because he never played or coached here, but clearly he’d fit right and represents core Penn State athletics values,” Penn State Junior Deputy Lower Media Assistant Chet Williams told reporters yesterday morning at an announcement ceremony. “So here we are, face to face, a couple of silver spoons.”

Jordan, who is one of the most outspoken and dogged critics of former Secretary Hillary Rodham Clinton and leads the so-called “Freedom Caucus” in Congress, now finds himself at the center of an absolute firestorm of a controversy. Just over a week ago, a story broke that while he was a wrestling coach at a college in his home state of Ohio, Jordan was aware — and potentially was active in the cover-up of  — a serial child molester. One accusation against Jordan is that he even was an eyewitness to at least one of the assaults, but did nothing to stop it or report the alleged molester at the time.

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“Honestly we here at Penn State wish we could go back in time and give Jim a job,” Williams told reporters. “Maybe Joe Paterno could’ve taken Jim in under his wing, guided him, given him some tutoring in how to be complicit in pure, unadulterated evil.”

Rep. Jordan appeared on Fox News last night and flatly denied all of the allegations against him. Mr. Jordan also appeared to float a new conspiracy theory — that the accusers and alleged victims are all part of a plot to end his political career. This morning, Congressman Jordan held a press conference outside Penn State, right in front of the new Joe Paterno statue that was created and tours around Penn State football games when the first one was removed after Sandusky’s sex crimes, and Paterno’s complicity, were fully exposed.

“There’s a famous saying about how the only thing evil needs to flourish is for good men to do nothing,” Jordan said, “but I’m here to tell you that is a falsehood. I am not a good man, and I also did absolutely nothing. But I ask you this — is not reporting the ongoing, perpetual sexual abuse of one of my coworkers really as bad as using a private email server? I didn’t think so, either, fam.”

This story is developing.

James‘ satire is found on: The Political Garbage Chute; HuffPostAlternative Science, Alternative Facts, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts, and Modern Liberals

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