Pelosi Offers McConnell Voter ID Laws for Voter IQ Laws

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — For years, the Republican Party has been behind a push to institute voter ID laws in as many states as they could. Under the guise of securing elections, the GOP has long argued that in-person voter fraud is a serious, clear and present threat to electoral integrity. Democrats have countered that argument by pointing out no study has ever shown voter fraud committed at the ballot box to be statistically relevant.

As one of the first initiatives of his presidential administration, Donald Trump teamed up with Kansas Secretary of State Kris Kobach and formed a task force to investigate and report on any voter fraud it found. The results were less than lackluster, and ultimately Kobach’s task force was disbanded. Despite not being able to prove its existence, Republicans have continued to push for voter ID laws in order to eliminate in-person voter fraud.

This afternoon, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi made waves by announcing that she and the rest of the House Democrats would be willing to negotiate for national voter ID laws. However, Pelosi made this offer as part of a deal that she says Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, a Republican, must agree to as well.

“If Mitch will let us put voter IQ laws into place, then we’ll talk about voter ID laws,” Pelosi told reporters during her weekly press conference. “We have a feeling that if you set a hard limit as to who has a high enough intellect to vote, we’d probably win in a landslide every single time.”

Pelosi said that she is not meaning to create a situation in which “lesser intelligent Americans” aren’t treated equally.

“We’re just trying to address a similarly non-existent problem with a similarly unnecessary solution,” Pelosi insisted. “Of course I’d prefer that everyone be enfranchised. That’s a good thing, if you ask me. The Democrats are just saying that if we’re going to start playing games of who we’d like to have vote and who not, then we have some ideas of our own, that’s all.”

Speaker Pelosi said it’s a “simple enough concept even a Trump supporter can understand.”

“If they get to use racism and xenophobia as justification for disenfranchisement, why can’t we use elitism? I’m saying if we’re going to do it this way, that’s all,” Pelosi said. “I would much prefer we just do things to make it easier for all people to vote, and let the chips fall where they may, but my Republican friends seem hell bent on making it so only white, Christian, conservative land owning men can vote. If they want that, I’d suggest they go and invent time travel and experience this country for the first 150 years or so.”

Pelosi offered a second compromise on the issue, as well.

“Hey, if they want to, we can just stop trying to dictate who want the right to vote to apply to,” Pelosi offered. “You know, like it’s been forever without any issue? We could do that. We could just try our best to win the hearts of voters and earn their votes. As a Democrat, it’s certainly frightening to think of having to actually do stuff as well as talk about it, but if that’s what we have to do to win elections, I’m good with that. So, voter IQ laws, or just trusting our fellow Americans like we always do. Your call, Republicans.”

Leader McConnell’s office said he was too busy “doing the raw dog with a lump coal” to respond to this story.

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.

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