PINCHLOAF, MISSOURI — Capt Col. Major General Private Scott Palumbo’s rank isn’t one officially recognized by any branch of the armed forces, but he is a high-ranking officer in a local militia group, and says he has “earned every single one” of his many honoraries.  Palumbo says he joined the militia so that he could help “defend America from enemies both foreign and Democrat.” He is convinced, as is every member of his militia, “all six strong of them,” he said, that he must be more vigilant than ever.

“Look, I’ll just say it. The Demon-craps, as I came up with calling them, stoled this thing from us without any doubt in my alleged mind,” Capt Col Major Gen Private Plaumbo told us in a Skype interview this week, “and as soon as Alex Jones or Sean Hannity makes up the evidence, we’ll present it, and the election will be overturned, every Demon-crap voter will be sent to jail, and America will finally be the land of freedom and self-governance we knew it could be. You know, once we lock up everyone who didn’t vote the way they were required to vote, to prove they aren’t a soyboy commie betacuck.”

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Palumbo happens to think that Biden’s election has “some real parallels” with the election of Abraham Lincoln in 1860.

“A lot of us just aren’t ever gonna a’sept Biden as our leader, okay? Because we were told flat-out by our own Dear President the only way he’d lose is if it was rigged,” Palumbo explained, “and would he lie just to preserve the power he had? Why would the guy who has lied about everything from his own name to being on the cover of TIME Magazine lie to us about something so important as the election that decides if he has to face the legal consequences of being a lifelong huckster conman, fam? Makes no sense to me.”

Even though he says it’s a “hard subject,” Palumbo has given some thought to what might happen if the country is plunged into a second civil war.

“I will definitely take up arms against my fellow Americans because they dared to vote differently than me. Isn’t that what America is all about,” Palumbo asked rhetorically, “being a sore loser and then murdering people who voted for the other guy? Seems so to me, and you cannot convince me otherwise.”

Joe Biden will be sworn is as president on January 20th, 2021.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.