Pat Robertson: God Will Warm Texas If He Stops Watching “Magic Mike” for Research Purposes Twelve Times a Week

VIRGINIA BEACH, VIRGINIA — Living fossil and televangelist Pat Robertson often speaks to God about what’s going in the United States. In particular, Robertson will dialogue with God about natural disasters and weather phenomenon. Usually, God tells Robertson exactly what it is that the sinful American left has done to deserve his ire.

But Robertson told his 700 Club audience today that “for some strange reason” today God told him it was Robertson himself that was putting Texas in his crosshairs. The Lone Star state has been suffering under frigid, below freezing temperatures at the same time that large swaths of its power grid have been out due to the cold. Rev. Robertson said that last night God told him that he himself has the power to bring the sun out down in Texas.

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“The Lord spoke to me last night about the whole situation down in Texas,” Robertson said. “In fact, he reminded me that he considers himself an American patriot, which I thought was pretty fantastic of God to say, and that Texas is his favorite state in our union because of all the guns and Bibles.”

However, God also had some sobering news for Robertson.

“The thing is, though, friends, that he also told me it’s pretty much my fault that it’s so cold there, and that all those people lost their power,” Robertson admitted. “He said that it’s because he wanted to send me a message, that I’m spending too much time watching Magic Mike XXL, that lovely movie about a man who works VERY EXTREMELY HARD to feed his family with the talents that he lord has blessed him with.”

While Robertson insists he only does so “for research purposes only,” God told him that twelve weekly viewings of the movie is “too much” and he should be “focusing on other things.”

“He told me that it’s not about whether or not I like watching Mike’s sweaty, hard body workin’ and twerkin’,” Robertson said, “it’s about me not fulfilling my duties as a man of God. He said I’m too busy watching Magic Mike XXL to think about feeding the homeless and getting medicine to the sick. And he was really mad that when I’m not watching that movie, I’m doing stuff to feed my own ego, celebrity, and lifestyle.”

Whether or not Robertson stops watching Magic Mike XXL twelve times a week, he says he at least now “gets where God is” on the issue, and will “take it under holy advisement.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.