VIRGINIA BEACH, VA — Televangelist Pat Robertson is not happy at all about the Boy Scouts of America ending their longtime ban on gay scout leaders, but he is sure that there is one person even more upset by it — God. Robertson took to his “700 Pod” online podcast show to tell Americans they should be very afraid of what God might do in reaction to the news.
According to Robertson, the BSA has “helped to awaken the ire and wrath” of God in an “old school, Old Testament way.” Robertson says that parents of Boy Scouts “should not be at all surprised” to wake up in the morning and find “their kids have been smote.”
“Hey, this is the same God that flooded the entire planet to kill off everyone that was pissing him off,” Robertson told his viewers Tuesday, “if you don’t think he won’t go all First Born Pharaoh Son on some cub scouts, you’ve got another thing coming.” Robertson said he “understands it might be hard hearing that God would smite little kids” but that “if he can ask Abraham to murder his son out of loyalty, don’t think he won’t snatch-up a few adolescents because they dared to be tolerant of someone for something they have no control over.”
The elder evangelical reminded viewers that the Bible tells many about God’s punishment for sin. “Let me just remind you,” Robertson intoned, “this is a God who turned people into salt pillars. This is someone we’re talking about here that despite what others might tell you about his temperament, he will light an emeffer up if you go against his word, which has changed several times over the last couple thousand years of course.”
“The bottom line is that while Jesus may love the little children,” Robertson told his podcast’s co-host, “he doesn’t love the little children who don’t condemn sodomites. He doesn’t love little children of parents who take license with the commandment to love thy neighbor and start treating gays like humans. Sure, Jesus Christ may have never said anything about gay people or gays getting married or anything, but we all know that we Christians can hem, haw, obfuscate and move the goal posts around any topic to make ourselves feel like we’re correct and everyone else is wrong.”
Robertson says he “can’t be quite sure” when the actual child smiting will start happening because he “would have thought all five pro-gay Supreme Court justices would have been immediately immolated back when they ruled in favor of gay marriage.” He also said, “one day it’s teaching kids to not be judgmental of someone just because of the gender they find sexually attractive, and the next thing you know, they’re going to be committing murder, doing drugs and engaging in the homosexual lifestyle themselves while worshiping Satan butt naked in a corn field somewhere; it’s the oldest story in the book!”
“Clearly, God does not operate on my time table,” Robertson said, “because if he did, there’d be a whole lot more dead Godless amoral heathen liberals running around, that’s for sure.” Robertson said that he knows “it’ll only be a matter of time” before “dogs, cats, six women, four toads, and a large granite slab all get to be Boy Scout leaders” because “we are so very clearly on that most slippery of slopes now.”
The aging clergyman told his audience that “back in [his] day, a gay man did the responsible thing and hid in the closet for his entire life” so that “they could become so obsessed with the lifestyle they wished so hard they could embrace” that they “work tirelessly to prevent other gay people from being happy too” even though “all they’d have to do is just stop pretending and accept they might enjoy a little ass-play every now and again.”
“It could be next week, it could be tomorrow,” Robertson said as the podcast was wrapping up, “but believe-you-me, God is going to start killing Boy Scouts, and soon. Pretty much if your kid’s troop is looking like it’s going to be okay with a gay guy leading it, don’t be surprised if God kills your son. Just sayin’. Don’t blame me. I’m just the old, wrinkly, intransigent, bigoted, probably-closeted asshole messenger, here. So you better get ready for God to start smiting actual Boy Scouts, is all I’m saying.”
Reached for comment, Cindi “God” Vasquez released a very simple thirteen word statement, “Pat Robertson is full of shit. Don’t listen to anything he says. Ever.”
